Posts

Showing posts from March, 2017

Dear McSweeney's: Go Fuck Yourselves.

So, I am now on rejection number three from McSweeney's.  They're "afraid they'll pass".  Be very afraid, McSweeney's.

I have to tell you, I think what I wrote is not only funny, but totally in keeping with their tone.

But you know what, Internet Tendency?  No mas. You don't get my good stuff.  Instead of wasting my time and energy on you, I'm going to do what I needed to do a long time ago.  I'm going to buy a domain, get my own website and blog.  And maybe I'll start killing it on my own.  And then you'll be sorry!  Bwahahaha!

So, sit back - have a good read:


What I mean, is...

Image
I am surprised at how coherent my last post was.  I was not only half asleep writing it, but I was trying to avoid a topic that I really wanted to talk about, but didn't think I should.

But I'll be damned if I'm going to self-censor on my own blog.  So here it is.

I have the sometimes painful gift of remembering anniversaries of events.

Today is the third anniversary of my father's death.





I won't mention it on social media.  Well, I take that back.  I probably won't mention it on social media, unless my sister does.  Not even then, probably.

My mother, if she even remembers, hasn't said anything - maybe because she doesn't want to upset me.  I know that her plans today have no connection to the anniversary.  I suspect that she has a vague idea of  "it happened around this time...", but doesn't have it inked on her mental calendar.

And here's the thing - it's totally OK if they don't remember it.

And it's totally OK if I do.

Steel Trap

Image
I have a mind that remembers some of the oddest details.   I've told stories about events that took place years, or even decades earlier with extreme detail.  I can remember what I ate at certain restaurants I went to in my 20s.  And teens, actually.

I can tell you what I wore on the first day of school from 5th -12th grade.

I remember names of minor characters in my life.  I remember specific conversations in great detail.   I can remember where conversations took place.  Like, if we were driving, I can picture the street we were on, and where. I can recall tunes and words to probably thousands of songs in a variety of languages - from the radio, choral groups, and so on. 

I have long sections of movies and television shows memorized.  And I'm surprised when people don't pick up on a reference that I think is so obvious.  Doesn't everyone know the first four seasons of The Simpsons by heart?  And if so, why not?!

I have creeped people out with details that I remember…

I Can Dig It!

Ok, so I had another dream where I was screaming and it was really heated.  It was right before I woke up.  It is, I believe, a sequel to the dream I had on March 4th/5th.

As it turns out, in researching the date of the first scream dream, I realized I talk a lot about my dreams on this blog.  Here's what I know.  My dreams are boring to other people.  Do you know how I know that?  Because your dreams are boring to me!  Sorry, but I you know I'm right.  I'll ease up on the dream talk.

Here's how I would explain it.  Dreaming is like clearing your browser history, cache and cookies every night.  So, every night, there's all this stuff that you're clearing out - and some of it is completely random, and most of it is nothing, and it may be old things you had even forgotten were on your computer.  But trying to put it into a narrative is like eating jello with chopsticks.  Or like me reading you my browser history with short anecdotes.  BORIIIIIIING.

Anyway, all of…

I Decided, Long Ago...

Tis the season, it would appear.

A few weeks back, I sent a submission to McSweeney's Internet Tendency - it was reasonably funny, but if I'm being honest, probably not the right publication for clever penis jokes.  I received a rejection letter within a few days.  No harm, no foul.

My friend, Chuck Baudelaire, who blogs here, mentioned last week that she too had submitted to Mc Sweeney's and was rejected.

Friday, I got an idea for a submission, wrote and sent it.  Today, rejection letter.

This one, I'm going to share with you.  Because it amuses me. 


An Open Letter to the Middle School Kids Whose Bus Stops in Front of My House


Dear Kids,
Hello.  I know that with adults, sometimes it hard to imagine that we were ever young like you.  But, believe it or not, we were.  When I was in Middle School, there was a hugely popular Whitney Houston song called “The Greatest Love of All”.  There was a girl in my class who sang it at every assembly for a year.  She wasn’t a good si…

That's my fun day!

I feel like I just need to put this out there.  I know that I have been posting a lot recently, and in re-reading, I feel like the quality, quantity, and tone of my posts might suggest some manic behavior.  I assure you I'm not manic.  I am getting the burst of energy associated with making changes and gaining forward momentum, which feels a little whirlwindy, but should settle into a pattern soon.

This weekend was a whirlwind of activity.  Friday night, we ate brisket and it was delightful.  We watched some TV, read, petted the dog and so on.

Yesterday, I woke up early to take Piper for her annual exam.  She saw the newest doctor in the practice who was as lovely and compassionate as the other two docs.  All three are women, and as far as I can tell, the only dude in the place is Douglas, who manages the front office, and he's just a delight.   Anyway, Piper's healthy, happy, and rabies/heartworm free.

I came home and got back in bed for a bit. 

We went to an Escape Room …

One a Penny

Image
Final update on the controversial Toastmaster posters. They got taken down.  One of the members of the club decided they weren't really appropriate.

Moving on. 

Matt and I have been on something of a crossword puzzle kick recently.  It started over New Years when he was sick and needed something to do while he vegged on the couch.  So I brought him a book of them, and he worked through it.  Since then, he's ordered several from Amazon and we both work on them in the evenings.

I've been an enthusiast since college.  The Red and Black, our student paper, had a daily puzzle, and I did it every day.  I would pick up a paper before whatever my first class was, and I'd try to get it completed before lecture started.  I typically did.  It wasn't a hard puzzle, but it kept me busy.

I love doing the crossword in airplane magazines - they're usually decently challenging, but I can get them done.  Then I move on to the sudoku.  I'm better at crosswords.

Last fall, I s…