Pete and Chasten Buttigieg Are Dads!
(a McSweeney's Reject)
Q: So, how did this all start?
A: Well, the Buttigieges (Buttigieii?) just announced that they are the new parents of twins, Penelope Rose and Joseph August.
Q: So they're really the parents?
A: Yes, they have adopted these children and will raise them.
Q: But biologically, though? How did it happen?
A: Presumably by using fertilized donor eggs which implanted, then incubated in utero for 9 months and then birthed either vaginally or through caesarian section.
Q: I get that, but whose utero? Also please don't say vaginally again.
A: We don't know that. It doesn't really concern us, does it? Vaginally.
Q: So with that fertilization thing, did they mix their baby batter together, and let their sperm fight it out to fertilize the eggs. Was that the deal here?
A: I can't even begin to speculate, but I don't really see where that is our business. We know that the couple have been wanting a family, and that they are now parents to two healthy babies.
Q: Do you know if the woman was from Texas? Because how cool would that be to have adopted kids from a woman who had the babies because she had no other choice?
A: Again, no idea about those details, and I'm not sure it would be cool, so much as Alanis Morrissette-level ironic. But given that they were just born, their biological mother was not likely affected by the very recent changes to Texas laws. That said, I am sure Lifetime is working on a movie with that very premise currently.
Q: So, if it's just one guy's sperm, it has to be Pete, right? He's super smart. I mean Chasten is probably better looking, how did they decide?
A: That hasn't been disclosed because it isn't any of our business. Seriously. And I am sure that either way, the Dads are thrilled to enjoy parenthood.
Q: But we'll know pretty soon, right? It's like that thing with Woody Allen and Mia Farrow's kid who looks like Frank Sinatra.
A: I mean, probably, but would you ask these questions to a friend? Do you have friends?
Q: OK, so if it was Chasten, do you think the mother was artificially inseminated, or did he just put on a blindfold and plow her?
A: What the hell? Why would you even want to know that?
Q: They won't be able to breastfeed, right?
A: No. Clearly. I mean, you understand basic biology, right?
Q: So Chasten is the Mom of the family?
A: No, Chasten is one of the Dads. Pete is the other Dad. There is no Mom in the Team Buttigieg situation.
Q: Except for the woman that Chasten plowed, the incubator.
A: Yes! I mean, no to Chasten and plowing, yes to the incubator, typically referred to as surrogate, which is not unlike the political use of the word surrogate, which more generally defines a "stand-in".
Q: Right, but seriously, Chasten is "the Mom", yes?
A: No! What is wrong with you? Penelope Rose and Joseph August have two parents of the same sex. It happens to LGBTQ parents all over the US every day.
Q: Did the boy get his middle name from being born in August?
A: Probably, but who can say? I know a woman named Aries who is a Sagittarius.
Q: Did they have to pay more because it was twins, or is it some kind of BOGO deal?
A: The financial arrangements are between the Buttigieges and their surrogate. I can't imagine they are going to share that publicly.
Q: Are they identical or fraternal twins?
A: Twins of opposite sex are always fraternal. Check a 9th grade biology textbook, braniac.
Q: So, if one of the babies was from Chasten's sperm and one was from Pete's are they still twins?
A: They are reported to be twins, so we have to assume they share at least one parent in common. Not that anyone needs that information. Ever.
Q: Do you think Pete's sperm are better swimmers because he was in the Navy?
A: I don't think there are any correlations between military service and motility. And like most people, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about Pete's personal infrastructure.
Q: What are some of the challenges the twins will have to face going forward?
A: Being subjected to stupid questions like these. Curiosity from those who don't understand gay parenthood, the hassles of being the child of public figures, and of course, having a last name that features "butt" prominently.