Well somehow, September slipped on by so fast that it's now October. My birth month, of all things. I'll be 51 in 26 days, so there's that.
On the job front, I have some irons in the fire, some hotter than others, but I am, as requested by the Tennessee Department of Labor, actively seeking work. I mean, come on, man. Am I ever active!
I have had something kind of in the back of my mind - and I didn't think much about it when it happened, but in time, I have kind of worked through it.
This summer, we were having dinner with some folks I've known for a long time, and somehow, the subject came up of one of my exes. Not that I have a whole ton of exes, but this one was significant as I dated him my senior year of college and for another year and a half after that. It ended, not well, but over time, we healed and he's fine, and I'm fine. He's married and has a tween daughter, good job. I'm married, have a tween dog, and I'm going to have a job. We both win.
Anyway, one of the people at the dinner who met him once, briefly, twenty-seven years ago said, "I didn't like him." Then she said, "Oops, that just slipped out, but... yeah". I told her not to worry, that most people hadn't liked him. And in fact, I might have been the only one who did. This is factual. My parents didn't like him for a variety of reasons, some of them valid. But for two years, he was my boyfriend, and when you're 22 years old, that's not insignificant. We were two people who, under different circumstances, might have worked, but we didn't - and that's fine. He reached out after both my parents died to tell me how much he had liked them, even if they didn't like him. He's not a villain. I'm not a villain. We just weren't meant to be together.
But also, so fucking what? I'm sorry you didn't like him. That was a long time ago, and there's no way of un-ringing that bell, even if I wanted to. And I don't. I chose the path, it got me here. Just like every other decision I have made.
There are times I haven't liked people that were linked to people I cared about. It's fine. Either they left the scene or I came to appreciate enough about them to tolerate the situation.
I am an eternal optimist. I genuinely believe most people are trying to be good people. They may be getting it wrong, but most of the time, their actions aren't malicious. It's hard to believe that in this day and age, but if I give up on believing in humanity, the malicious people win. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read, "Joy Is An Act of Resistance". So, good. I choose joy. Over and over and over.
Does that make me a sucker? Maybe - but I've experienced more good than evil in my life, in aggregate.
Now, at the same time, I am desperate for approval from a handful of people. Dating someone my father and mother actively despised took a toll on me. My sister didn't like him either. And it's not like I could take solace in the fact that his family liked me - I never met them. It's a long story, but trust me, it was a long time ago, and I'm fine. But at the time, it was hard, and when we called it quits, it was hard. I got into a rebound relationship - it wasn't really loving or healthy. That guy died, I found out recently. He was a lot older than me, like, decades. Like, he was in high school when MLK Jr. was shot. He was kind of withholding and strange. But I was desperate for approval - and his was more or less available. He had cancer. I hope he didn't suffer.
My family wasn't thrilled with that relationship either.
So when I started dating my husband, the family breathed a collective sigh of relief, and readily approved of him. And even then, sometimes they got frustrated with him if they saw something in our dynamic they didn't like.
Again. So fucking what? There are things about everyone, including me, that I don't like, but again, on the whole, I think people have more good than bad in them - so, yeah, pick your damn battles. I'm not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater because I think she should have said this, or he should have done that. As long as the good outweighs the bad, you do you, baby-roo.
And you know what they say - opinions are like assholes - everyone has them, and most of them stink.
I'm sorry you had to read that, but come on. It's true.
I am hoping that October brings restful sleep, good dreams, completion of several home projects, a job offer, and that I can close out the month with my birthday, and cake.
Glorious cake.
Or similar.
ae
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