I have been shopping for a dress to wear at my mother's celebration of life reception.
Here is every possible thing that could be wrong with a dress, based on my vast and careful search.
1. Too short (like, show your @$$ short)
2. Too long
3. Resembles lingerie
4. Resembles a nightgown
5. No sleeves (dealbreaker)
6. Full length sleeves (for May - nope)
7. Cap sleeves (hit my arm at the biggest part)
8. Elastic sleeves, unless they are the exact right length, or they crawl up and become worse than cap sleeves.
9. Cold shoulder sleeves
10. Only one sleeve
11. Too short to be long, too long to be short (weird mid length that makes me look cut in half)
12. Neckline too high
13. Neckline too low
14. Wrap dress where the neckline could pop open (this happened once on a date)
15. Wrap dress where the skirt could fly open
16. Dress is a jumpsuit
17. Dress contains a skort
18. Material too cheap looking
19. Material too expensive looking
20. Dress too Junior's Department
21. Dress too matronly
22. Dress is too light of a color - stain magnet
23. Dress is a solid dark color, severe and boring
24. Dress is a print that looks too culturally appropriating
25. Dress has a gorgeous print in hideous colors
26. Dress has hideous print in gorgeous colors
27. Dress has a high/low hemline that looks weird
28. Ruffles in awkward places
29 Asymmetrical ruffles
30. Unfortunately placed ruching
31. Side tie that accentuates gut
32. Belt that is too high
33. Belt too low
34. Waist hits at wrong point
35. Too tight in arms
36. Too tight in chest
37. Too tight in hips
38. Too loose under arms
39. Too loose in chest
40. Too loose in hips.
41. Lace-up neckline
42. Caftan - Mrs. Roper syndrome
43. Shirt dress with collar (these look bad and sloppy after three minutes)
44. Drawstring at waist
45. Fitted waist in fabric with no stretch
46. Too much stretch
47. Pockets make hips look big
48. Chest pockets (whyyyyy)
49. Looks like stewardess uniform - sorry, flight attendant uniform
50. Looks like maternity wear
51. Overall weird construction
52. Colors inappropriate for season
53. Fabric inappropriate for season
54. Giant seam down center of dress
55. Exposed zippers
56. Cheap buttons
57. Great colors, just not on me (typically pale, pale pastels)
58. Bad embellishments (Puff Paint???)
59. Dress perfect but costs $$$
60. Dress perfect, priced well, does not exist in your size
61. Dress perfect, priced well, available in your size, but not until August 14th
62. Dress perfect, priced well, available in your size, right now, but the manufacturer is ethically questionable.
63. Dress is basically fine, but not what you envisioned. It is there in your closet... just in case.
64. Dress has been ordered and will probably be returned based on something your husband said when you showed him the photo.
65. Dress will be ordered tomorrow because we're boycotting spending money today.
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