My Mama Told Me...

I have been shopping for a dress to wear at my mother's celebration of life reception.

Here is every possible thing that could be wrong with a dress, based on my vast and careful search.



1.  Too short (like, show your @$$ short)

2. Too long

3.  Resembles lingerie

4.  Resembles a nightgown

5. No sleeves (dealbreaker)

6. Full length sleeves (for May - nope)

7. Cap sleeves (hit my arm at the biggest part)

8. Elastic sleeves, unless they are the exact right length, or they crawl up and become worse than cap sleeves.

9. Cold shoulder sleeves

10. Only one sleeve

11. Too short to be long, too long to be short (weird mid length that makes me look cut in half)

12.  Neckline too high

13.  Neckline too low

14. Wrap dress where the neckline could pop open (this happened once on a date)

15.  Wrap dress where the skirt could fly open

16. Dress is a jumpsuit

17.  Dress contains a skort

18.  Material too cheap looking

19.  Material too expensive looking

20.  Dress too Junior's Department

21. Dress too matronly

22. Dress is too light of a color - stain magnet

23. Dress is a solid dark color, severe and boring

24. Dress is a print that looks too culturally appropriating

25. Dress has a gorgeous print in hideous colors

26. Dress has hideous print in gorgeous colors

27. Dress has a high/low hemline that looks weird

28. Ruffles in awkward places

29 Asymmetrical ruffles

30. Unfortunately placed ruching

31. Side tie that accentuates gut

32. Belt that is too high

33. Belt too low

34. Waist hits at wrong point

35. Too tight in arms

36. Too tight in chest

37. Too tight in hips

38. Too loose under arms

39. Too loose in chest

40. Too loose in hips.

41. Lace-up neckline

42. Caftan - Mrs. Roper syndrome

43.  Shirt dress with collar (these look bad and sloppy after three minutes)

44. Drawstring at waist

45.  Fitted waist in fabric with no stretch

46. Too much stretch

47. Pockets make hips look big

48.  Chest pockets (whyyyyy) 

49. Looks like stewardess uniform - sorry, flight attendant uniform

50. Looks like maternity wear

51. Overall weird construction

52. Colors inappropriate for season

53. Fabric inappropriate for season

54. Giant seam down center of dress

55. Exposed zippers

56. Cheap buttons

57. Great colors, just not on me (typically pale, pale pastels)

58. Bad embellishments (Puff Paint???)

59. Dress perfect but costs $$$

60. Dress perfect, priced well, does not exist in your size

61. Dress perfect, priced well, available in your size, but not until August 14th

62. Dress perfect, priced well, available in your size, right now, but the manufacturer is ethically questionable.

63. Dress is basically fine, but not what you envisioned.  It is there in your closet... just in case.

64. Dress has been ordered and will probably be returned based on something your husband said when you showed him the photo.

65.  Dress will be ordered tomorrow because we're boycotting spending money today.

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