Oh.

The election did not turn out as I had hoped, in any way, shape, or form.  The dog and I went to bed early, briefly waylaid by a call from my husband, who is currently on a shoot in Las Vegas.  At that point, it was looking grim.  Then we went to bed.

At some point in the night, I woke up, looked at my phone and confirmed that we're up for another Trump presidency.

I don't love this.  Not at all - but we've been sort of bracing for it.  Really, before Harris took over, we knew another Trump era was a slam dunk.  Then we briefly had a hope and joy era during the Democratic Convention, and then it just sort of fell apart.

I don't get it.  I mean, obviously, he won just enough over the majority of popular votes needed to take the office:

Thanks to CNN.com for the graphic.  And to the American people for coloring it in.

But all that blue around the edges and in tiny pockets this map doesn't show - those are people.  We feel a different way about things than the ones represented in red, and we're scared.  If the colors were reversed, they might be feeling scared this morning.  I don't know.  I also feel like the Electoral College makes it look like he's way more popular than he is. And it makes those of us who live in a state whose color doesn't match our ideology feel very, very alone and disenfranchised, not to mention paranoid about the people around us.  

I don't, by and large, think that the two parties I grew up under were so bitterly, angrily different from one another.  And my guy has lost way more times than he (or she) has won.  If feels great to win.  It's a bummer to lose, but this time, it's more than a bummer.  It's scary.  It happened in 2016 and I thought, well shit - that's scary, but it's got to be a fluke.  It's not that they like him, it's that they hate her.

And it feels like that again, but this time, it seems more virulent because it's like, wait - we all lived through the first attempt at this, and you think we should do it again?  That's insane!

But I feel sick, and exhausted, and scared.  I also didn't eat healthy food yesterday.  I binged on sugar, which was stupid, but of course that never stopped me before.  

I need to get a little protein in, get some sunlight, fresh air.  

Things are also going a little sideways with my mother.  She is having some new symptoms and issues.  I am heading down next week to do some fact-finding and general work.  It's a lot.  There's just a lot of data from a variety of sources, and I have to figure out what's accurate and what's not.  Or even, if it's accurate, is it relevant?  Also, I can't be in Atlanta at all times, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And there are just so many shoes.

I feel overwhelmed.

And/but/although the outcome doesn't affect me as much as it does many, many other people, but it also does.  We're trying to get my mother through the end of her life as best we can physically, emotionally, financially, healthcare-ily, housing market-ily.  These are all things that play into the whole gumbo that is giving me some heartburn.

So here's what I'm going to do.

Tonight, I'm going to have dinner with a friend - where I will eat mindfully, choosing protein and balanced sides. I'll talk with my sister about our Mom, then get my husband from the airport.  Tomorrow, I'll work, get a haircut, figure out some more Mom stuff.  Then this weekend, I'm going to see some people I really like, we're going to go listen to some good music, and then I'm going to go to Atlanta and TCB.

I may have a few surprises up my sleeve.  We'll see.

ae