Nursery Rhymes, 2023

I sent in my first submission of 2023 to McSweeney's.  In return, I received my first rejection of 2023.  So, you know - free content!

All my self-generated content is free, but still.

Nursery Rhymes, Revisited:

Hey Doodle, Doodle;
Part Golden, Part Poodle.
Your puppies make grown women swoon.
The breeders all laugh,
As they roll in the cash.
Because overpriced mutts are a boon.

Diddle, Diddle Dumplin', my son John.
Bought himself a Peleton.
One day off, two days on.
The high intensity interval training is really paying off for him. He feels great and he's training for a marathon.

Larry, Larry – quite contrary;
Why do you mansplain so?
We know full well
You’re an Incel.
And not an Alpha Bro.

Jack and Jill moved from Beverly Hills,
To a state with lower taxes.
They pissed off the locals,
Called them bumpkins and yokels.
And raised housing costs like jackasses.

Jack Sprat would eat no carbs,
His wife would eat no meat.
And so between the two of them,
They were constantly talking about CrossFit, and macros, and being ripped and sweet.

Little Miss Kate Hume,
Sat the break room,
Eating her Lean Cuisine.
Pervy stalker, Trey Snyder
Came and sat down beside her.
Causing a huge HR scene.

Pussy Katz, Pussy Katz; where have you been?
“I’ve been in Memphis, where I’m a drag queen.”
Pussy Katz, Pussy Katz, where will you go?
“Prob'ly not Birmingham or Tupelo.”

It’s raining, it’s pouring;
It’s because of global warming.
All the weather maps are red, pretty soon we might be dead,
It’s a crisis we’re ignoring.

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Balls of gas, or angel tears?  I haven’t read a book in years.
Twinkle, twinkle little star.
How I wonder what you are.   

Terry has a brand new Tesla
Its paint is white and shiny,
He drives like a clown, all over our town,
His penis must be tiny.

Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cupboard,
To get her poor dog a bone.
When she got there, the cupboard was bare,
Which isn’t really surprising.   
With rising food costs and shrinking safety nets,
To say nothing of poor infrastructure, and
food deserts, it’s a real problem among our nation’s elderly.


Christopher said…
That last one really nailed it. Well, they all showed why Old Mother Hubbard is timeless--and there's also one about meeting people from Ives that I think is about both polyamory and hoarding--but you really updated and improved on the old standards.