S - Words

Today, I am sad.  I learned that the child of an old classmate of mine died.  She was an only child in her teens, and though I haven't seen her mother in decades, we ran in some overlapping circles.  My sister knew her better - I knew her younger sister a little better.   But I kept up with them on Facebook, and this kid was amazing.  The world is a lesser place without her.

So that's a lot of S - Words.  Sad.  Senseless.  Somber.  Soul-crushing.  Sorry.  Sick.

I have probably told you this before - but nothing truly terrible has ever happened to me.  My father had a stroke and then died.  That was sad, but parents die.  That's the natural order of things.  My thirteen year old dog died.  That's old for a dog.  That's natural.

Thirteen-year-old girls shouldn't die - that's unnatural.  

I have friends and family my age who have had cancer - like the real deal and not some wimpy scalp cancer.  Some lived, some didn't.  I know people who have had strokes, miscarriages, house fires, catastrophic events I can't even fathom.  I know people who have been shot, raped, beaten, threatened. Some have been involved in violent situations by being at the wrong place, wrong time.  Some have been involved in violent situations by virtue of their service to their country.

My bad things are like, I cut my leg doing housework and had to get stitches.  I drove my car into a ditch, but we were able to pull it out with a chain and a tractor, and the car was fine.  I had my tonsils out at age 36.  These things were a bummer, maybe inconvient. But they were minor blips on the radar.  Even my brush with cancer was a nothingburger - they cut out a chunk of scalp down to my skull, yes.  But it grew in, and now I have a shiny bald scar, a fuckton of hair covering it, and no more cancer.  And even when I had to pack the wound with gauze and Vaseline for... what felt like months, I was able to conceal it with scarves, excess hair, headbands covered in gaudy flowers.  It was an exercise in patience, but not fear.

I was in a few toxic relationships in my late teens and early twenties.  There wasn't abuse, just some mind games and eventually, I threw in the towel and walked.  I got better with age on that one.

I have never been robbed, I have never been arrested.  I have never served on a jury, and I've only been to jury duty one time, age 23.  I keep thinking I'll get the summons, but so far, nothing.

I've was once out of work for a few months - but I had the means to survive until I found a job.  I've never been without food, shelter, clothing, love, entertainment, a sense of purpose.

I have been anxious and depressed - but never without some intervention - pharmaceutical or human.  I have had some small lonely patches, but never for too long, or too lonely.

I have seen friends check out.  But I've also made more than I can keep up with.

None of this is to say I want something bad to happen to me - it just seems grossly unfair that some people seem to get more than their fair share, and others of us walk away unscathed.

It sucks. 

Sucks.  That's my final S - Word.