Open Letter to My First

Dear Weight Watchers,

Hi, hi!  It's me again!  I'm back to give it another shot.  Again.

We've been in a long-term, on again, off again relationship since I was ten or eleven.  Back when you were all about exchanges.  I lasted maybe a week.  That wasn't really even a relationship - we were just flirting a little.  Friendly banter.

It was in my 20s that we first really got intimate.  Remember our second time together, how I cried?  In front of all those people?  The next few years of membership were mostly face-saving.  I still yo-yoed, and I still paid the meeting fees while first Staci, then Carole reminded us that nothing tastes better than thinner feels.  I lost a lot of weight there.  I also made a few friends, got a new job because of a lead from said friend, and I had a support network when I needed it.  I'd love to tell you that my time with you helped me in my relationship with food, but honestly, back then, I'd eat my points in Cool Whip and Laughing Cow if it meant getting my sweets and cheeses fix in.  

When I left Atlanta, we started seeing each other casually again - a few times before it really stuck.  And then I found the Franklin office, and Alice was our leader.  At first, I didn't like her, but within a month, I loved her, and again, I made friends, lost weight, and got it together.

And then, it fell apart for me.  You were still there, rigid and affirming as always, but I was always getting out of town for work, eating out all the time, hotel breakfasts, clients buying pizza or barbecue for lunch, and then dinner was stress eating, or boredom eating, or bored stress eating.  And then, once Dad died, I gave up again.  I put on all I had lost, and probably then some.

Then, we started cyber-dating.  A few years had passed and you were convenient.  Tracking points online became new and fun.  Some of the old spark was back, and I didn't have to go to meetings.  I kept giving you money, long after things were over between us, and finally, even that stopped.

But I'm back! Or, well - I'm coming back.  Monday.  We're going to have a lot of fun together this time.  I haven't put on weight since the pandemic, which is miraculous.  But I also haven't lost weight. I have no social life, and I sit around the house all day for work.  When she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.

So, the other day, when my friend and co-worker Jennifer suggested we give you another try, I thought, you know - you never forget your first, am I right?  So I'm crawling humbly back, hoping you'll let me be with you again, and that we'll make a go of it.

I can't promise to be perfect, but I can promise to try hard, pay my fees, and work on eating real food this time.  No more Cool Whip benders.  At least, not Week 1.

See You Soon,

Chunkstyle McPlumperson

PS - Yes, you heard it right - I was flirting with Noom - but I can't get a straight answer out of it, and I wonder what the obsession is with "for the cost of a pair of new shoes".  Maybe Noom is higher class than I am, because I am not spending that kind of dough unless it's Birkenstocks. Mmmm.  Dough.


Christopher said…
Shortly after NOOM started running commercials about how their program alters your psychology there was a commercial by a competing weight loss program. I can't remember which one--it might have been Weight Watchers--that advertised itself as "not changing your psychology!" I thought it was kind of funny because, well, isn't the goal of every diet program to change how you think about food? Except maybe the ones where they actually provide the food.
Having said that Weight Watchers still seems like the best bet.