McSweeney's Said No

So, I wrote this after the past few news cycles.  Basically, things in the Southeast are kind of dictatory.  So I sent it to McSweeney's and they said no.  But here at Whistling Dark, I say YES. 

Side Hustles for the Pro-Choice Capitalist

Are you liberal AF, and also broke?  Consider the joys of extra income, and profit from the poor decisions of those way above your paygrade!  Be your own boss with any of these exciting opportunities!  We’re expecting… a lot of customers!

Air B ‘n’ OB – Upscale housing for those who have traveled to your state for “Medical Tourism”.  Provide a place to stay with a few aftercare perks like chicken soup, a sympathetic ear, and total judgment-free anonymity!

The Pullout Couch – For women on a budget, the Pullout Couch offers you a place to crash while you pull your shit together after your out-of-state “procedure”.  Our couch pulls out for when he didn’t.

Decisions/Decisions – Cash in on the Escape Room craze!  This one is almost all staircases.  Slippery, rickety staircases.  Why take six weeks when we give you a whole hour to “Solve the Problem”?  We offer package deals for large groups and repeat visits.

Signs on a Stick – Whether you’re Pro-Choice or Pro-Life, it’s your right to Pro-Test!  Opening a Signs on a Stick Franchise allows you to offer pre-printed march materials with catchy slogans at reasonable prices.   Our economy blank signs, paints and markers allow users to let the creativity flow.  Our business model allows us to give back to the community by offering the homeless “Need Help” signs for free.  Because while life is sacred, we all know that a small month-old cluster of cells is adorable, and therefore way more important than a smelly old transient man with a mental health disorder.

Rubber Meets Road – Why own a trendy food truck when you can take it to the street with traveling condom sales?  Cruise through college campuses and trendy neighborhoods in your converted ice cream truck.  No “Turkey In The Straw” playing over your loudspeakers - that’s “Let’s Get It On” you’re hearing, along with the cha-ching of the cash register!

Blousé – Clothing for the woman who wants to dress to suppress!  If you want to keep your pregnancy on the DL, our loose, flowy styles will keep them guessing, “Is she in style or in trouble?”  With clothes from Blousé , it’s both!

The Hanger Hangar – “Consultations” about “closet design” like you “heard about on Pinterest”.   Visit our sister store Knitting Needle Emporium for “crafting supplies”, if you get my drift. 

Gun Store –  You should use protection!  Because your personal freedom is critical, and nobody should interfere with your right to pursue something that leads to the loss of life.