Yours To Be Seen

When I had my tonsils out, my tongue got injured somehow.  It appeared to have been burned.  I never got clarity as to what happened, but what I can tell you is that for about a year, nothing tasted right.  Carbonated beverages were especially bad.  Chocolate tasted like battery acid.  The one thing that legit tasted good was sweet tea.

About a month or so into my recovery, I went to see my PCP.  I was under the impression it was a post-op check in.  He wanted to check on my blood pressure, etc.  When I tried to bring up the dysguesia (that's the fancy term for "taste disturbances"), he suggested that this would be a good time to re-examine my relationship with food.

The naturally thin don't get it.  He certainly didn't get it.  I cook for people as a hobby, and if I can't taste it, I have no idea what I am offering them, and I found that unacceptable.

I switched to a different doctor in that practice not long after.  She is also a weight dictator.  She actually suggested cutting me open in the name of getting thin.  And I've thought about it - part of me thinks that might be what it takes.  But I don't want to cut into my body and rewire the mechanics when I know, that if I can cut out the sugar, limit the fast food, and move a little, I can lose the weight.  It's just that those three things are easy to say, and harder to do.

So, as an exercise in better living, I am writing about my current relationship to food.

My relationships with various foods:

Boxed Macaroni and Cheese – Old friend that I would like to think I have outgrown, but I’m still happy to see  (See also, Chef Boyardee, Dinty Moore).   This is a comfortable relationship that I wouldn’t necessarily talk about in public, but we catch up a few times a year.  This friend is dumber than me.

Snack Cakes – An affair.  We meet up and share frequent short bursts of passion that never last.  I regret it as soon as he is gone, but I can’t seem to say goodbye forever.  I can stay away for months, but if I crack, and I always crack, it’s back to secret meetings in my car, hiding the evidence and constantly worried that someone will catch us together.  And he's totally trashy.  Not worth the risk.

Chocolate – An older, wise friend and mentor.  Gives comfort, but tends to sugar coat things, when tough love would be preferable – advice and comfort level can vary from bittersweet to milk.

Meatloaf – A friend who lets you come as you are.  You always wonder why you don’t spend more time with meatloaf, but after a short time, you realize that meatloaf wants more than you can give.  Meatloaf wants you to commit to more time than you have.

Salmon – A nice guy.  You should spend more time with Salmon, but Salmon gets weird and preachy and wants to talk about Crossfit and Whole30, and how it stayed gluten-free while on its cruise to Aruba.  You can’t understand where Salmon gets all its money, or why people are so crazy for it.  It would be easier to like if it weren’t such a dick.

Chicken – Everyone likes Chicken.  He’s everywhere.  Affable, gets along with all kinds, and basic.  Your favorite friend from the proteins.  Chicken is the khaki shorts of food.  Casual but clean-cut.

Broccoli – Hangs out with Chicken.  They can be inseparable at times, and honestly, while you don’t mind Broccoli, you wish maybe Chicken would bring one of his more fun friends – Squash Casserole, Asparagus, Corn on the Cob – they’re a little more tasteful, they add more to the gathering.

Salad – Salad and Salmon are cousins – they show up from time to time together – and kind of like Salmon, people tolerate it because Salad has such a stellar reputation.  Salad is boring, though.  Never forget that.

Bread – Bread is family.  You can always count on bread.  It can be warm, comforting, and is easy to be with.  It likes everyone, but is partial to its best friend, butter.  Butter, like bread, is easygoing and tends to enrich any gathering.  Bread is your favorite aunt, a special cousin or a loving godparent.

Cheese – Cheese is the best friend who can make anything more fun. He adds some much needed flavor to people like Broccoli, and is the life of each party.  Cheese can be salty, creamy, sweet or even tangy  - but with Cheese, things are never boring.

Mushrooms – Some people love him, but he’s creepy.  He gives me the willies.  Slick, slimy and insincere.

Hummus – I want to like Hummus more than I do, bit its bitter ways turn me off.  It’s gritty.  I give Hummus endless second chances.  Sushi is the same.

Cake with Chocolate Icing – This is the best friend that you see once every three years and it’s just like coming home.  You pick up right where you left off, and you think, it’s a good thing we don’t see each other more often, because we would be trouble.

Hello darkness, my old friend.

Re-examine my relationship with food.  Well, I never!

But I should.

Bon appetit!