Dear McSweeney's: Up Yours!

This is the piece I sent into McSweeney's. They sent me the same form rejection letter. Fourth time wasn't a charm. So here you go. Sloppy seconds.

Deconstructing "My Favorite Things":

Raindrops on roses – well, that depends – would these be these roses that grew in my childhood back yard, or roses purchased from a gas station on a rainy night in October because my boyfriend forgot my 22nd  birthday?

Whiskers on kittens – It beats whiskers off kittens, I guess.  Kittens are cute, but you know – cats suck the breath out of babies. Saying that to cat people makes them so mad! Which is why I do it.

Bright copper kettles – These things conduct heat really well, but I’m not a big tea drinker, and who has time to polish the copper to keep it bright?  Plus, copper is kind of pricey, and I don’t have room in my kitchen.  We already got rid of my red kettle after we got that new white one from his cousins right after we got married.  NB:  I did not marry the gas station roses guy.  I dodged a bullet, there.

Warm woolen mittens – Pass.  For one thing, mittens are basically straitjackets for the hands.  You basically render your fingers useless.  And wool is warm but it itches.  Give me a nice pair of lined leather gloves any day.  Or, if you have to do mittens, there are a lot of great, warm synthetic fabrics that don’t require shearing a sheep.

Brown paper packages, tied up with string – I haven’t seen a legit string tied package…ever.  I would say though, this is basically Amazon Prime, and I’m on board with that.   Is it one of my favorite things?  I mean, it’s great, but it’s probably terrible for small businesses and the environment.

Girls in white dresses, blue satin sashes – I do love an all-white ensemble in the summer, but given my propensity to spill things, that’s a non-starter.  And while I’m sure a blue stain sash is a luxe accessory, it totally cuts the silhouette in half, and I don’t need anything shiny calling attention to my “sash area”.

Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes – This would mean it’s freaking cold out, and I’d be wearing those itchy woolen mittens.   I mean, maybe one or two really pretty snow days, but that’s plenty.

Silver white Winters that melt into Spring – See above.

Cream-colored ponies – I have absolutely no opinion about ponies of any color.  I did goat yoga last month, though, and it was amazing.  In fact, one of the goats was named Harvey Milk.  So that's kind of similar, right?

Crisp apple strudel – I mean, dessert is dessert, but if I’m going to eat a fruit based dessert, I’m more of a banana pudding kind of girl.

Doorbells – They freak the dog out, then my husband fusses at her for barking. Halloween at our house is a nightmare.

Sleighbells -  Loud.  And unnecessary.  When was your last sleigh ride?  Exactly.

Schnitzel with noodles -  Well, OK, now we’re talking.  I do love German food.   As long as it’s a pork or chicken schnitzel.  Veal is cruel.

Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings -  Do geese fly at night?  How do they see?  If the moon is on their wings, it’s not illuminating their path.  

When the dog bites – True story – poodles account for the majority of dog bites every year – it’s just that the ones from bigger dogs do more damage. I'm against breed-banning legislation, though.

When the bee stings –  Stings are the worst.   But at least I’m not allergic to them.  With the price of Epi-Pens these days, I’d be toast. 

When I’m feeling sad – My therapist says I’m entitled to my feelings. 

I simply remember my favorite things – Positive visualization is clutch – I highly recommend it.

And then I don’t feel so bad -  I also take a stout dose of Effexor.  I highly recommend that as well.


Christopher said…
That was hilarious and I'm baffled as to why McSweeney's turned it down. At the very least it deserved more than a form letter.
Bonus points on being against breed-banning legislation. I'm also kind of disappointed to learn that about poodles. I've known some very fine poodles, ranging from miniature to standard. I've also known some very nasty ones, but they always seemed to be owned by people who think pets are an accessory, not a living thing.
If you want an accessory get a blue satin sash.
Keep in mind, I would have rejected it too. Not because it wasn't awesome, but because I really, really hate that song. Deconstruct something from Oklahoma! and we'll talk.
Christopher said…
I'd be tempted to take that assignment myself 'cause I'm just a girl who can't say no...
ae said…
I would probably do "People Will Say We're In Love". Hmmm. I'll see what I can do. I'm not a huge fan of "Favorite Things" either, which is why I treated it with irreverence. Thanks for your loving support, and once again, f*** McSweeney's.