Dear McSweeney's: Up Yours!

This is the piece I sent into McSweeney's. They sent me the same form rejection letter. Fourth time wasn't a charm. So here you go. Sloppy seconds.

Deconstructing "My Favorite Things":

Raindrops on roses – well, that depends – would these be these roses that grew in my childhood back yard, or roses purchased from a gas station on a rainy night in October because my boyfriend forgot my 22^nd  birthday?

Whiskers on kittens – It beats whiskers off kittens, I guess.  Kittens are cute, but you know – cats suck the breath out of babies. Saying that to cat people makes them so mad! Which is why I do it.

Bright copper kettles – These things conduct heat really well, but I’m not a big tea drinker, and who has time to polish the copper to keep it bright?  Plus, copper is kind of pricey, and I don’t have room in my kitchen.  We already got rid of my red kettle after we got that new white one from his cousins right after we got married.  NB:  I did not marry the gas station roses guy.  I dodged a bullet, there.

Warm woolen mittens – Pass.  For one thing, mittens are basically straitjackets for the hands.  You basically render your fingers useless.  And wool is warm but it itches.  Give me a nice pair of lined leather gloves any day.  Or, if you have to do mittens, there are a lot of great, warm synthetic fabrics that don’t require shearing a sheep.

Brown paper packages, tied up with string – I haven’t seen a legit string tied package…ever.  I would say though, this is basically Amazon Prime, and I’m on board with that.   Is it one of my favorite things?  I mean, it’s great, but it’s probably terrible for small businesses and the environment.

Girls in white dresses, blue satin sashes – I do love an all-white ensemble in the summer, but given my propensity to spill things, that’s a non-starter.  And while I’m sure a blue stain sash is a luxe accessory, it totally cuts the silhouette in half, and I don’t need anything shiny calling attention to my “sash area”.

Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes – This would mean it’s freaking cold out, and I’d be wearing those itchy woolen mittens.   I mean, maybe one or two really pretty snow days, but that’s plenty.

Silver white Winters that melt into Spring – See above.

Cream-colored ponies – I have absolutely no opinion about ponies of any color.  I did goat yoga last month, though, and it was amazing.  In fact, one of the goats was named Harvey Milk.  So that's kind of similar, right?

Crisp apple strudel – I mean, dessert is dessert, but if I’m going to eat a fruit based dessert, I’m more of a banana pudding kind of girl.

Doorbells – They freak the dog out, then my husband fusses at her for barking. Halloween at our house is a nightmare.

Sleighbells -  Loud.  And unnecessary.  When was your last sleigh ride?  Exactly.

Schnitzel with noodles -  Well, OK, now we’re talking.  I do love German food.   As long as it’s a pork or chicken schnitzel.  Veal is cruel.

Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings -  Do geese fly at night?  How do they see?  If the moon is on their wings, it’s not illuminating their path.  

When the dog bites – True story – poodles account for the majority of dog bites every year – it’s just that the ones from bigger dogs do more damage. I'm against breed-banning legislation, though.

When the bee stings –  Stings are the worst.   But at least I’m not allergic to them.  With the price of Epi-Pens these days, I’d be toast. 

When I’m feeling sad – My therapist says I’m entitled to my feelings. 

I simply remember my favorite things – Positive visualization is clutch – I highly recommend it.

And then I don’t feel so bad -  I also take a stout dose of Effexor.  I highly recommend that as well.