This is the piece I sent into McSweeney's. They sent me the same form rejection letter. Fourth time wasn't a charm. So here you go. Sloppy seconds.
Deconstructing "My Favorite Things":
Raindrops on roses – well, that depends – would these be these roses that grew in my childhood back yard, or roses purchased from a gas station on a rainy night in October because my boyfriend forgot my 22nd birthday?
Whiskers on kittens – It beats whiskers off kittens, I guess. Kittens are cute, but you know – cats suck the breath out of babies. Saying that to cat people makes them so mad! Which is why I do it.
Bright copper kettles – These things conduct heat really well, but I’m not a big tea drinker, and who has time to polish the copper to keep it bright? Plus, copper is kind of pricey, and I don’t have room in my kitchen. We already got rid of my red kettle after we got that new white one from his cousins right after we got married. NB: I did not marry the gas station roses guy. I dodged a bullet, there.
Warm woolen mittens – Pass. For one thing, mittens are basically straitjackets for the hands. You basically render your fingers useless. And wool is warm but it itches. Give me a nice pair of lined leather gloves any day. Or, if you have to do mittens, there are a lot of great, warm synthetic fabrics that don’t require shearing a sheep.
Brown paper packages, tied up with string – I haven’t seen a legit string tied package…ever. I would say though, this is basically Amazon Prime, and I’m on board with that. Is it one of my favorite things? I mean, it’s great, but it’s probably terrible for small businesses and the environment.
Girls in white dresses, blue satin sashes – I do love an all-white ensemble in the summer, but given my propensity to spill things, that’s a non-starter. And while I’m sure a blue stain sash is a luxe accessory, it totally cuts the silhouette in half, and I don’t need anything shiny calling attention to my “sash area”.
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes – This would mean it’s freaking cold out, and I’d be wearing those itchy woolen mittens. I mean, maybe one or two really pretty snow days, but that’s plenty.
Silver white Winters that melt into Spring – See above.
Cream-colored ponies – I have absolutely no opinion about ponies of any color. I did goat yoga last month, though, and it was amazing. In fact, one of the goats was named Harvey Milk. So that's kind of similar, right?
Crisp apple strudel – I mean, dessert is dessert, but if I’m going to eat a fruit based dessert, I’m more of a banana pudding kind of girl.
Doorbells – They freak the dog out, then my husband fusses at her for barking. Halloween at our house is a nightmare.
Sleighbells - Loud. And unnecessary. When was your last sleigh ride? Exactly.
Schnitzel with noodles - Well, OK, now we’re talking. I do love German food. As long as it’s a pork or chicken schnitzel. Veal is cruel.
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings - Do geese fly at night? How do they see? If the moon is on their wings, it’s not illuminating their path.
When the dog bites – True story – poodles account for the majority of dog bites every year – it’s just that the ones from bigger dogs do more damage. I'm against breed-banning legislation, though.
When the bee stings – Stings are the worst. But at least I’m not allergic to them. With the price of Epi-Pens these days, I’d be toast.
When I’m feeling sad – My therapist says I’m entitled to my feelings.
I simply remember my favorite things – Positive visualization is clutch – I highly recommend it.
And then I don’t feel so bad - I also take a stout dose of Effexor. I highly recommend that as well.