Here are a few shout outs to a variety of folks:
Confidential to My Not So Anonymous Colleague: You have a name that is very distinctive. You have an airbrushed vanity plate on the front of your car with that name on it. If you're going to park in a visitor spot, be smart enough not to back in so that anyone who walks by knows exactly who parked there. Cutting corners is dumb, and (as a supervisor) you're supposed to be a good influence.
To the A-Hole Who Nearly Clipped Me Today: The bad driving is on you. I hope you enjoyed my obscene gesture. There are more where that came from. So many more. But seriously, don't ride my ass then try to run me off the road when I move to the right lane - that's a dick move.
Ted Danson: I've been watching you on "Bored to Death". You are an American Treasure. The white hair is gorgeous. You have the goods. Keep being amazing.
John Mulaney: Great show last week. Thanks for making us laugh. Your opening guy was good too. I really wish I had time and energy to perform standup. And talent.
To the Home Depot on Powell: Inevitably, if I'm just wandering the store, killing time, I'll get accosted by every orange apron in the store. But if I actually need assistance? Well it's post-apocalyptic times - tumbleweeds and shit. And when you finally do get someone to notice you, they honestly really can't help you, except to open a box and let you look at the $100 item you are considering. They can't offer you anything more. So... thanks for nothing, I guess.
Five Guys: Your burgers are so good. Why you consider mushrooms a "standard" topping, I know not. Your fries, obviously, are the shizz, but for me, the "killer app" is your Coke Freestyle machine. Diet Grape Fanta? Yes! Please!!!
Coca-Cola Bottling Co: People? What's up with the gross new Diet Coke flavors? Who thought that what American wants is blood orange-addled cola? I mean, a blood orange soda? Great. But add diet cola, and it's like a kid at a pizza place who makes a "suicide" at the self-serve fountain. A suicide, for the uninitiated, is a mix of every flavor offered in a single glass. The result is murky and almost certainly nasty tasting.
Atlanta Braves Marketing Department: Did you learn nothing from the 1996 Olympics? What is it, indeed? How awful. You give us an albino Muppet abortion. So distressing. And derivative. The Philly Phanatic should probably sue. You named it Blooper. Fitting.
Another Colleague: I am aligned with you politically, but not everyone is. So, just be careful. Not worth getting reprimanded for.
Mr. Sandman: Bring me a dream. Preferably not one where my dead father is criticizing my relationships with my family. I'll take a Benadryl if I have to, but come on, man - cut an old broad a break.
Sumo Oranges: You are so delicious. I love you. I will miss you when your season ends, but that's what makes you special, and worth every penny.
Dear Women's Health of Franklin: I'll be there tomorrow. Please be aware that just because I'm not one of your fun, pregnant patients, I still want to be important to you. My health depends on it. So, greet me with the same enthusiasm you do your breeders. I matter. I'll try very hard to not let my anxiety and frustration turn me into a raving bitch, but meet me halfway.
Dear Skittles: I will never not find your Skittles Pox ad hilarious. You know how to write and cast. I don't even really like Skittles, but you're the bomb.
Dear Apple: Your "What's a Computer?" ad pisses me off. That kid is just flat rude to her neighbor. She fucking knows what neighborlady was asking. So, she needs to be nice before I slap the taste out of her mouth. By the way - in searching for a picture of this ad, I read several things indicating I'm not alone.
Well, I've ranted plenty. Time to check on hockey. Later, gators.
ae
Confidential to My Not So Anonymous Colleague: You have a name that is very distinctive. You have an airbrushed vanity plate on the front of your car with that name on it. If you're going to park in a visitor spot, be smart enough not to back in so that anyone who walks by knows exactly who parked there. Cutting corners is dumb, and (as a supervisor) you're supposed to be a good influence.
 |
| It wasn't Tammy, but you get the idea. |
To the A-Hole Who Nearly Clipped Me Today: The bad driving is on you. I hope you enjoyed my obscene gesture. There are more where that came from. So many more. But seriously, don't ride my ass then try to run me off the road when I move to the right lane - that's a dick move.
Ted Danson: I've been watching you on "Bored to Death". You are an American Treasure. The white hair is gorgeous. You have the goods. Keep being amazing.
John Mulaney: Great show last week. Thanks for making us laugh. Your opening guy was good too. I really wish I had time and energy to perform standup. And talent.
To the Home Depot on Powell: Inevitably, if I'm just wandering the store, killing time, I'll get accosted by every orange apron in the store. But if I actually need assistance? Well it's post-apocalyptic times - tumbleweeds and shit. And when you finally do get someone to notice you, they honestly really can't help you, except to open a box and let you look at the $100 item you are considering. They can't offer you anything more. So... thanks for nothing, I guess.
Five Guys: Your burgers are so good. Why you consider mushrooms a "standard" topping, I know not. Your fries, obviously, are the shizz, but for me, the "killer app" is your Coke Freestyle machine. Diet Grape Fanta? Yes! Please!!!
Coca-Cola Bottling Co: People? What's up with the gross new Diet Coke flavors? Who thought that what American wants is blood orange-addled cola? I mean, a blood orange soda? Great. But add diet cola, and it's like a kid at a pizza place who makes a "suicide" at the self-serve fountain. A suicide, for the uninitiated, is a mix of every flavor offered in a single glass. The result is murky and almost certainly nasty tasting.
 |
| Also murky and nasty tasting. |
Atlanta Braves Marketing Department: Did you learn nothing from the 1996 Olympics? What is it, indeed? How awful. You give us an albino Muppet abortion. So distressing. And derivative. The Philly Phanatic should probably sue. You named it Blooper. Fitting.
 |
| The flesh colored fur is really the clincher. |
Another Colleague: I am aligned with you politically, but not everyone is. So, just be careful. Not worth getting reprimanded for.
Mr. Sandman: Bring me a dream. Preferably not one where my dead father is criticizing my relationships with my family. I'll take a Benadryl if I have to, but come on, man - cut an old broad a break.
Sumo Oranges: You are so delicious. I love you. I will miss you when your season ends, but that's what makes you special, and worth every penny.
 |
| Obscene looking, and obscenely tasty. Also obscenely expensive. Worth it. |
Dear Women's Health of Franklin: I'll be there tomorrow. Please be aware that just because I'm not one of your fun, pregnant patients, I still want to be important to you. My health depends on it. So, greet me with the same enthusiasm you do your breeders. I matter. I'll try very hard to not let my anxiety and frustration turn me into a raving bitch, but meet me halfway.
Dear Skittles: I will never not find your Skittles Pox ad hilarious. You know how to write and cast. I don't even really like Skittles, but you're the bomb.
 |
| Yes, it appears to be contagious. |
Dear Apple: Your "What's a Computer?" ad pisses me off. That kid is just flat rude to her neighbor. She fucking knows what neighborlady was asking. So, she needs to be nice before I slap the taste out of her mouth. By the way - in searching for a picture of this ad, I read several things indicating I'm not alone.
Well, I've ranted plenty. Time to check on hockey. Later, gators.
ae
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