Do You Like Pina Coladas?
MWF, 42 seeking work husband at new job. I offer a low-risk, high-reward friendship. Skills including quickly learning your favorite brand of gum and how you take your coffee. Will occasionally bring you trinkets from my travels and will check in via IM or text to meet your baseline emotional needs from 8:15 – 5:15 M-F, minus vacation time and company holidays (hours and dates up for renegotiation annually).
Available after work on an as-needs basis for work crises, limited life assistance. I’m incredibly funny, and though my past history includes incidents of being a “loose cannon”, I feel that I’m in an environment where I will be a company asset – therefore, aligning with me now can only benefit you as time goes forward. I have, in a short time, proven to be a decent fit with a solid work ethic. I am friendly, well-spoken, generous and thoughtful. I am not hideously deformed.
My needs are fairly simple. I require a sounding board who can read e mails before I send them to see if they are too bitchy. Must enjoy gossip – both giving/receiving. Will require occasional opinions on decision making (typically work related, but I may ask for hair/clothing advice). Would prefer someone age appropriate, in that I have a strong appreciation of the culture of our generation – 4 years +/- would be ideal but older is honestly preferred to younger. Would be great if you were well-versed in comedic movies of the Late 70’s - 80s. Trading Places, Airplane, The Jerk, as examples. Taste in music is negotiable.
MUST BE LOCAL TO THIS BUILDING! NO RELO OFFERED!
Would not object to lunch on a bi-monthly basis – will gladly pay for lunch 50% of the time or can split check evenly. Will never stick you with a high bill. My food preferences are fairly open, though I do enjoy variety, ethnic cuisine, salads and meat. My only restriction, per se, is mushrooms, in that I find the texture off-putting. We can work around that.
I’m happy to drive you to the mechanic, or to lunch, or pick you up on the way into work if you need assistance. I will admit, my car is often messy, but I’ll do my best to make sure you ride in relative comfort and with a minimum of dog hair.
Q – I have a real wife/partner/girlfriend, does this create an issue?
A – Not typically. My previous work husbands have been very friendly with my actual husband, and most significant others do not perceive me as a threat to their relationships. I am essentially very basic, I am not looking for a husband in the biblical sense of the word. I just need a pal. That said, I don’t want to piss off your wife/partner/girlfriend – so, if she’s not OK with it, neither am I.
Q – I notice you’re looking for a man. Why be a sexist c*nt?
A – I have a lot of female friends, but in terms of conflict resolution, I typically find men to be particularly helpful. Most of my closest friends are men, and women in the workplace tend to operate with a fair level of cattiness. My hope is to skip the drama and get connected with an ally.
Q – Is this a paid position?
A – Not in the strictest sense. I tend to give presents on Christmas and Birthdays – typically a token of esteem, not especially high in monetary value, but I do put thought and effort into it.
Q – How many work husbands have you had?
A – Quite a few. In my last job, I had a half dozen – with some overlap in function, time, and geography. In all cases, I met their actual significant others (where applicable), and in some cases, I met their pets, children and in-laws. There was never impropriety. My first work husband and I still talk occasionally. My most recent, closest work husband in still very much in my life, and I assume that you would likely get along.
Q – How do I express interest?
A – Stop by my desk and chat – we’ll assess our fit, and then seal the deal with coffee, or lunch. It’s an informal process.
Q – Are you writing this ad directed to anyone? That is to say, is there a strong internal candidate?
A – No! In fact, it may be that my work husband doesn’t exist, given the criteria I have laid out here. I just feel that you need to ask for what you want, otherwise you will never get it. It’s a small organization, and the job is somewhat specific. So, we’ll see – I’ll keep the ad up til I get someone.