Ack!

Vaguely anxious is sort of my baseline emotion.  It's the foundation, and then I layer everything on top of it.

The thing is, as a foundation, anxiety performs like... jello - so, not the firmest to build on.  I feel anxious about not feeling anxious.  Like, what am I missing if I'm not actively worried about something?

Here's an example.  Back at the start of the year, I got my review.  If you've hung out here for any time, you know that I have a terrible anxiety surrounding reviews.  I got a really bad, horribly personal one at my first company in Nashville, and it haunted me.  As these things will.

And, as you may know, the review period in question included the day that I went apeshit on my boss's boss.  So, I wasn't looking forward to hearing what they had to say.  I suspected that they didn't have enough dirt on me to give me a two, but I'd probably get a three with a lot of critique.

Imagine my surprise when I got a 4. 

The manager who gave me a 4 quit before giving me the review.  He ranked it, wrote a few comments and passed it off to my interim manager.  Who, for the record... is my best friend.

He's the one who got to break the good news to me.  There was one thinly veiled comment about choosing my words more carefully, but basically the tone over all was, she may be a pain in the ass, but she works hard and customers like her.   Anyway, so I got a 4.

And my immediate thought was that I didn't deserve it.  There are years I deserved it and got a 3,  so this year, the odds evened out, if you will.

But I stressed out about it, and came home and fretted some more.

When the head of HR congratulated me on getting a 4, I felt like I'd been hit by a taser.  I slunk out of the breakroom.  My spirit was so broken at that point, that I couldn't take pride in my review.  I lied to everyone and told them I got a 3, just like everyone else. 

The HR Manager brought up my 4 again in our exit interview.  I told him what I am now telling you.  That I am the only person I know who gets upset by good news. 

Not entirely sure where I'm taking this, except to say, at the moment, I'm anxious. I have nearly completed my first work trip with the New Job (tm), and it has been great.  But I haven't been sleeping well, I haven't eaten great the past two days, and I think it's time for some fresh air, home cooked meals and a dog to pet.

But then, I have a lot to do next week, too - both at home and at work  It's how it goes.

So, I guess I had better shut down the laptop, get some shut eye, and get ready for what's next.

Whatever that is.

And save the jello for dessert...


Hands up high, knees down low, that's how we do the Jiggle-O!

ae



Comments

Whenever you're feeling down, remember that I once held a job for almost two years that required me to do basically nothing but come in each morning. Drummer Boy and I used to get drunk in my office because there was no reason not to. When they laid me off, they apologized and gave me a month's salary. Later I received a large settlement from the company for a lawsuit that had nothing to do with me. To sum up, the bar is low and you kick ass. Give Piper a belly rub for me.
How about we skip the Jell-O entirely? My grandfather would never eat Jell-O because he said it was "nervous". He also stayed away from whipped cream because when he was a kid they got cream from the family cow which no one realized got into the onion patch one day and I have no idea why I'm sharing this.
I just hope your job gives you enough time for you, and give your husband a belly rub as well.
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