Dear McSweeney's: Go Fuck Yourselves.

So, I am now on rejection number three from McSweeney's.  They're "afraid they'll pass".  Be very afraid, McSweeney's.

I have to tell you, I think what I wrote is not only funny, but totally in keeping with their tone.

But you know what, Internet Tendency?  No mas. You don't get my good stuff.  Instead of wasting my time and energy on you, I'm going to do what I needed to do a long time ago.  I'm going to buy a domain, get my own website and blog.  And maybe I'll start killing it on my own.  And then you'll be sorry!  Bwahahaha!

So, sit back - have a good read:

Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle’s Cures for a New Millennium

The Don’t Want to go to Sleep Cure:  No screen time an hour before bed, lavender room spray and melatonin gummies (available on

The Don’t Want to Eat Vegetables Cure:  One word:  Smoothies.  Also, your child may be a Super Taster, so choose milder, less bitter vegetables, you monster.  You’ll need a lot of ranch dressing.  One other word:  Juicing.

The Eats Everything Cure:  Protect your child’s self-esteem.   Body-positive media!  Lots of Melissa McCarthy, Hardy - but not Laurel, Adele. Trade Barbie for Mr. Potato Head.  Meanwhile, start shopping Fat Camps for the summer. 

The Cranky Child Cure:  Check for gluten sensitivity. Avoid peanuts, tree nuts, doughnuts. Invest heavily in any product made of coconut- the one true nut.  Alternately, your child may be constipated.  In which case, prunes will fix it – but the other stuff is just a good idea in general.

The Tattletale Cure:  Two options.  If the information being provided is useless, tattoo your child with the motto “Snitches Get Stitches”.  If the intel is helpful, pay the child to keep up the good work.

The Screen-Junkie Cure: Don’t insist that the child go outside.  Your child is ill-equipped socially, emotionally and physically to handle too much reality.  Do you think Bill Gates’ mother regrets that he didn’t get more fresh air?

The Swearing Cure:  First, you will have to stop swearing.  If that isn’t possible, then just remind the child not to use the forbidden words in public or near Grandaddy.

The Crybaby Cure:  Find old recording of “Free to Be You and Me”, play “It’s All Right to Cry”.  Emphasize that once the child is in the workforce, crying should be confined to locked bathroom stalls (silently) and their car (at the vacant end of the parking lot).

The Can’t Sit Still Cure:   Adderall.  And patience and love.  But mostly Adderall.

The Addiction to Adderall Cure:  Flush the remainder of the supply (or lock up for parental use/supervision).  Administer hugs (not drugs), consider inpatient facility if addiction persists. 

The Don’t Want to Take a Bath Cure:   Honestly, planting radishes on your filthy sleeping child is a timeless classic.  Don’t change a thing!  We recommend a delightful heirloom French Breakfast radish. Avoid use of pesticides.


Christopher said…
While I can't understand why they turned this down--it could not have been more McSweeneyesque if it had something about James Joyce in it--I'm glad I got to read it anyway. The change to heirloom radishes really does spice up an old classic.