Workouts I Would Love

I need to start getting some more exercise.  I don't particularly enjoy working out.  I do like Zumba classes, Water Aerobics doesn't totally suck.  Here are some classes I would take, if they existed.

Sharks and Minnows - A water fitness class based on our youth.  Chase and be chased for an hour in our heated pool.  Think of it as "keep away" that's better for your joints.

Catch the Puppy - This class takes place in a simulated three block radius.   At the start of class, you are given a picture of a puppy and a baggie with a few treats in it.  Your puppy is somewhere in the three blocks, and it's up to you to find him.  He's a runner, he's wily, and he won't come when called.  You'll be crawling under decks, running through yards and climbing hills.  Once you've caught him, you'll have a cool down period to pet your pup.  Who's a good workout?  Huh, huh?

Airport - This is a cardio/weight fusion class that uses the same technology as Spin Theaters.  You'll be running through projected terminals, lifting a 35 pound bag overhead, dodging other travelers and shifting your heavy luggage from side to side.  All the fun of travel without having to clear TSA!

Relaxed Crocodile - This two hour Yoga class teaches you the most comfortable poses, and leads you through a guided meditation to promote relaxation.  Sleeping is encouraged.

Garden - An actual functioning garden.  Come squat, weed, lunge, edge, bend, deadhead and work up a sweat.  The only Burpees you'll see here are seed packets.The harvested food goes to the mission to feed the homeless. Green thumb not required!

Hamiltone - Sing and Dance your way through this three hour amateur reenactment of Lin Manuel Miranda's Tony winning musical, Hamilton. There will be a 15 minute intermission.  What time is it?  Showtime!

Fitting Room -  Each student selects a 3' x 3' square that has been marked off in the studio.  In each square is a large pile of clothes.  For the hour, you will be trying on everything in that pile.  Stretch, pull, shimmy and squeeze your way to better health! Any clothes you like will be available for sale after class.

Parachute - This is a 15 minute warm-up class that takes the best part of elementary school PE and upgrades it for the new millennium.  You'll get to use the parachute.  There will be Nerf balls.  And once it's done, you don't have to take the Presidential Fitness test and come in last in everything.  Again.

Cannonball! - You and your classmates will take turns at the diving board.  No real dives here - the sillier, the better.  When not at the board, you'll be treading water and watching/critiquing others' efforts.

Mega Stretch - Low, low, low impact. Stretch your muscles.  Self-paced with an instructor to assist one-on-one for deeper stretches.

Curtains Up! - This class is a follow up to our popular, but expensive and hard to get into Hamiltone.  Here, you can enjoy dancing and singing to a variety of  scenes from TV, Theatre, Movies and even YouTube!  Yes, we'll be doing scenes from Grease, and yes, this time you can be Rizzo.  Sigh.  I'll be Jan.  Again.

Double Dutch -  Hell on your knees, but fun. Jump Rope with friends.  Learn new chants.  Probably injure yourself.

He's Gaining on You! - Cardio burst class held on treadmills.  You are put into several scenarios where you are chased by: bears, hornets, panhandlers, chainsaw wielding psychos.  Hurry!  Don't get caught!

Aw, F It! - 45 joyless minutes on the elliptical.  It's not fun, but then, that's why they call it a work out, not a play out.



Jihadi Rose told me to tell you that she's just been inspired to think of some great new ISIS workouts after reading this. As a reward, after she becomes World Caliphess she'll cut your head off last.
Christopher said…
Sharks and Minnows sounds like fun but I know too much about the biology of sharks to suspend disbelief enough for it to actually be any good. What I'm saying is I'd sit still thinking that as long as there's no blood in the water and I don't look like a sea lion the sharks aren't going to attack. Also testing whether punching a shark in the nose makes it leave you alone might be detrimental to other swimmers. And would result in blood in the water.