High and Mighty

A pre-emptive warning.   This post is going to talk a lot about breasts.  Specifically, my breasts.  In a non-tawdry, unexploitative way, but still.  Tittayz. Boobage. Sweater Puppies.  If that's problematic to you, this would be a good time to go read something less controversial.

Like, this article on a new, fancy grilled cheese.


So, I have pretty much had a sizable bust since... eighth grade.  I mean, it wasn't the first thing you noticed about me, but yeah, I had the goods.

As an adult, they are definitely one of the first things you'll notice.  I'm a chubby girl, as I've said on more than one occasion, but from a proportional point of view, yeah, I've got big lady lumps.

An Ample Rack

There are problems that go along with this.  It's hard for me to find button up shirts that look good.  To get them to fit across the chest, I have to typically go big all over.

When you're getting a mammogram, smaller is better.  Waaaayyy better.  I had mine two weeks ago, and it hurt like a mother.  She also saw fit to put "nipple markers" on me so that they wouldn't mistake them for cancer, I guess.  What is a nipple marker, you asked?  You know those post-it note flags that tag where to sign a document?  Imagine those, but instead of saying, "Sign Here" they're saying, these are her milk spouts, not cancer.  That was awkward.  As was the conversation where she told me their robes wouldn't cover my chest, so she offered me a cape.  Like what you'd see at the hair salon.  I was horrified.  She asked if I'd been having any problems with my breasts.  I said, "Other than them being to large to fit in mammogram robes, no."  Touche!

Anyway, she squashed my funbags til I had tears in my eyes, twice per side, and then I was free to go.  She gave me a Diet Coke on the way out, I think to make up for insulting my largesse in re: robes.

Long story boring, I'm dense and fibrous, but a clean exam.

So, then.

It's also not easy to find a good bra.  Or a cute bra.  And the slice of Venn Diagram that overboth good and cute - well, it's itty bitty.

So, I mentioned in my Shitty Mall expose that I had killed some time trying on over the shoulder boulder holders.  Torrid had some that were crazy cute - but I tried them and they seemed to be not fitting properly.

So I left them and went back to the hotel.

This weekend, I went bra shopping at my favorite place to get them, Lane Bryant.  Or as my ex-boyfriend Rusty used to call it, Lane Giant.  And this is while we were dating and I shopped there.  Hence, ex-boyfriend (kidding - he totally dumped me).  Anyway, Lane has a line of lingerie under the label Cacique, and honestly, their tit slings are the best thing going.

For the last ten years, I've worn their Balconette bras.  They're great.  Coverage, but not so much coverage that I can't wear them under anything moderately low cut. Over the past few months, my current batch of them was starting to wear out.  I lost the eye to one of the hooks on my black one, I sprung an underwire on one of my two beige ones.  And the remaining unscathed beige bra was working overtime to make up for its lost comrades.

But my weight has changed since I last bought bras, so when the saleslady offered to measure me, I took her up on it.  And it turns out (not surprisingly) that my size is a little different than last year.

The problem with this new size is that it's apparently a pretty common one, at least within their customer base.  It's a size that Victoria's Secret doesn't carry, and department stores don't have many of, so when there's a store that does carry it, women buy it.  I'm not being mysterious - I'm a 40 or 42DDD depending on the brand.   I range anywhere from a 38DDD at my thinnest to a 40G at my top weight.   Right now, I'm a 42DDD (except in non-underwires, where I'm a 40, but whatev).

Anyway, I couldn't find any plain beige or black Balconette style in my size.  I could find them in weird colors or lace, or whatever, but I needed something I could wear every day.

So I tried a new style  .A plunge/pushup version.  And KABLAM! I looked...like a much younger woman.

So I bought three.  Two in functional boring colors (black, beige) and one from the clearance rack that's white with a red and hot pink floral pattern.

I feel twenty pounds lighter and two inches taller. It's amazing what a good bra will do.

And while I'm sure the only person who notices, I don't care.

I would show a picture, but here's the thing.  My real name is attached to this blog, and I don't want future employers to ask me in an interview why they can google my
knockers.  But let's be honest, they're already going to get a hit if they google my name + knockers.

So.  There's that.

But I feel uplifted.  And I wanted to share.



PS - I think I have used almost all the ta-ta related slang I know to talk about the girls.  Let me know if I forgot anything.  I'd be udderly surprised to see what I forgot.

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