Let me start by saying, I don't think pedophilia is funny.  But like a lot of things I find too horrible to fathom, occasionally, I have to laugh.  For example, the Pedosmile Quiz. Just trust me.

This is not going to be a lengthy treatise on Subway.  I don't know what Jared Vogel did or didn't do - I don't really care.  He has given me a creepy vibe for years, but whatever.  Occasionally, I want a tuna salad sandwich in a hurry.

What I'm actually going to tell you about is the weirdest quasi-pedicure I've ever had.

Last Monday, I got home from Atlanta and had an appointment with my therapist, but I had a little time to kill - so I ended up attempting to get a pedicure.

I should start by saying, I love getting pedis, and I have a place in Nashville that I really like.  Clean, well managed, plenty of polish colors, good chairs.  The staff is pleasant, efficient and effective.  It's my go-to.  Now, it's in a part of town that can be a total pain in the ass to get to, but since it's also near the only Trader Joe's in Nashville, I generally roll the two things together.

Anyway, I was not in that part of town, so I went to this place near my therapist.  I was cutting it close, but my feet were trashed, so I thought... OK.

Well, the place was kind of deserted.  The color options were sparse, but I found a good OPI shade of red and walked back to the pedicure chairs.  There was a small "sitting room" to the right of the pedicure stations.  Two armchairs and a table on an area rug.  The table held a lamp and several copies of books by Lee Iacocca.  I mean, obviously.

In each of the chairs there two or three throw pillows.  I don't require loads and loads of cushioning, so I moved them and sat down.

I faced a big screen TV, where they were showing a loop of cute puppy videos from an online feed.  Within a few minutes, that loop ended and it showed on a root menu that up next was cute kitten videos - and then after 30 minutes of that, clips of  "extremely obese people".  I hoped I'd be out of there before that that started.

Anyway, my nail tech was... OK.  She did put some callus remover on my heels.

The decor of the place was odd.  Lots of pillows and stuffed animals.  Lots of Steinmart-grade wine themed art.  Weird.

About 20 minutes in, a woman and two young girls walked in  I'm guessing they were like 9 and 11.  The whole staff, who appeared out of nowhere just went nuts over the little girls - bringing them lollipops and stuffed animals and doting on them to a point where it was just weird.

I was running out of time, so I ended up leaving before they could paint my toenails.  I'm not dogging them - they were just a little slow.  I paid and tipped well.

But there was this vaguely "Thank Heaven For Little Girls" vibe that seemed...excessive.

Maurice, you dirty dog.

Cut to Saturday AM.  I needed to finish up the nail regimen so I went to my usual place, where there were hundreds of colors to pick from (OPI Big Hair, Big Nails), and no creepy stuffed animal piles.

I was sitting next to a boyfriend/girlfriend who were getting their pedis on together.  He was a big tough dude.  That's all good, though.

They fixed me up in no time and I was good to go.

Albino legs.

That's all.  I just really wanted to get my description of that place in writing, in case I ever have to give a deposition.