Lines of Communication

Another conversation with my body - you might want to skip this if you're easily grossed out:

Me:  Hey, yo, carcass - what's up?

Body:  I'm not really enjoying what you're feeding me.

Me:  Clearly.  I mean - you are digesting that stuff in a way that feels a little hostile.

Body:  Yeah - what can I say, I'm not digging the salads too much.  And the spicy is killing me.

Me: I'm going to have to call bullshit, because you've been weird with everything I've eaten this past month.

Body: Yeah, shit happens, I guess.

Me: Look, I eat bland, I get heartburn anyway.  I eat right or I eat like a sailor on shore leave and either way, I get the shits... what is with you?

Body:  Maybe you should give up caffeine and sugar.

Me: I would love to, but you keep begging me for them.

Body:  Drink water, eat fruit.  DUH.

Me:  If you would let me sleep eight hours a night, I would.

Body:  It's my fault?

Me:  Yes - with my mind racing, and the reflux, and the apnea, and what I feel certain is restless leg syndrome - I'm waking up exhausted.

Body:  You can't pin the racing mind on me - that's your brain's problem.

Brain:  Hey, don't bring me into this - I'm busy as fuck trying to keep shit together up here.

Me:  And you're doing a fine job - you both are - I just need some cooperation.

Brain:  Well, you need to go to bed earlier and stop with the night time video games.  And would a little more activity kill you?

Body:  What kind of exertion are you getting, Brain?  I don't see you mastering calculus or even acing Jeopardy.

Brain:  Look, I'm busy controlling Allison's emotional health and making sure she doesn't get fired, or run over pedestrians.

Body:  Let's just take a nap, we can all chill for a bit.

Brain:  No nap - just get a Coke Zero and a Snickers with almonds from downstairs, power through.

Me:  Jesus - no wonder I'm exhausted - you two need to take care of each other and I'll take care of you, so you can take care of me?

Brain: Does this mean no nap?

Body:  And no candy?

Me:  I don't know.  Nothing right now.  Just settle down for an hour and then I'll think about supper.

Body:  Can we have ice cream?

Brain: Yeah, can we?

Me:  Shut up.  No.  No ice cream.

Brain:  So I read where more fat is better than more carbs.  A doctor wrote that.  Also, there are these ads all over the internet for one simple trick to get rid of belly fat.

Body:  I like fat and carbs.

Me:  Look, now... I'll feed you something tonight that will hopefully not upset you, and will help you sleep better, and all that.  But right now, I need to stay focused.  Can you help me?

Brain:  Can we do a quiz on Sporcle?  Have you checked Facebook recently?

Body:  I can chill for awhile - but again, I think ice cream would be a great dinner idea.

Me:  OK, one Sporcle quiz then back to work.  And no ice cream.  Steak.

Body and Brain:  Sporcle and Steak!  Yeeaaaaaaahhh!

Me:  Jesus.