Another conversation with my body - you might want to skip this if you're easily grossed out:
Me: Hey, yo, carcass - what's up?
Body: I'm not really enjoying what you're feeding me.
Me: Clearly. I mean - you are digesting that stuff in a way that feels a little hostile.
Body: Yeah - what can I say, I'm not digging the salads too much. And the spicy is killing me.
Me: I'm going to have to call bullshit, because you've been weird with everything I've eaten this past month.
Body: Yeah, shit happens, I guess.
Me: Look, I eat bland, I get heartburn anyway. I eat right or I eat like a sailor on shore leave and either way, I get the shits... what is with you?
Body: Maybe you should give up caffeine and sugar.
Me: I would love to, but you keep begging me for them.
Body: Drink water, eat fruit. DUH.
Me: If you would let me sleep eight hours a night, I would.
Body: It's my fault?
Me: Yes - with my mind racing, and the reflux, and the apnea, and what I feel certain is restless leg syndrome - I'm waking up exhausted.
Body: You can't pin the racing mind on me - that's your brain's problem.
Brain: Hey, don't bring me into this - I'm busy as fuck trying to keep shit together up here.
Me: And you're doing a fine job - you both are - I just need some cooperation.
Brain: Well, you need to go to bed earlier and stop with the night time video games. And would a little more activity kill you?
Body: What kind of exertion are you getting, Brain? I don't see you mastering calculus or even acing Jeopardy.
Brain: Look, I'm busy controlling Allison's emotional health and making sure she doesn't get fired, or run over pedestrians.
Body: Let's just take a nap, we can all chill for a bit.
Brain: No nap - just get a Coke Zero and a Snickers with almonds from downstairs, power through.
Me: Jesus - no wonder I'm exhausted - you two need to take care of each other and I'll take care of you, so you can take care of me?
Brain: Does this mean no nap?
Body: And no candy?
Me: I don't know. Nothing right now. Just settle down for an hour and then I'll think about supper.
Body: Can we have ice cream?
Brain: Yeah, can we?
Me: Shut up. No. No ice cream.
Brain: So I read where more fat is better than more carbs. A doctor wrote that. Also, there are these ads all over the internet for one simple trick to get rid of belly fat.
Body: I like fat and carbs.
Me: Look, now... I'll feed you something tonight that will hopefully not upset you, and will help you sleep better, and all that. But right now, I need to stay focused. Can you help me?
Brain: Can we do a quiz on Sporcle? Have you checked Facebook recently?
Body: I can chill for awhile - but again, I think ice cream would be a great dinner idea.
Me: OK, one Sporcle quiz then back to work. And no ice cream. Steak.
Body and Brain: Sporcle and Steak! Yeeaaaaaaahhh!
Me: Jesus.
Me: Hey, yo, carcass - what's up?
Body: I'm not really enjoying what you're feeding me.
Me: Clearly. I mean - you are digesting that stuff in a way that feels a little hostile.
Body: Yeah - what can I say, I'm not digging the salads too much. And the spicy is killing me.
Me: I'm going to have to call bullshit, because you've been weird with everything I've eaten this past month.
Body: Yeah, shit happens, I guess.
Me: Look, I eat bland, I get heartburn anyway. I eat right or I eat like a sailor on shore leave and either way, I get the shits... what is with you?
Body: Maybe you should give up caffeine and sugar.
Me: I would love to, but you keep begging me for them.
Body: Drink water, eat fruit. DUH.
Me: If you would let me sleep eight hours a night, I would.
Body: It's my fault?
Me: Yes - with my mind racing, and the reflux, and the apnea, and what I feel certain is restless leg syndrome - I'm waking up exhausted.
Body: You can't pin the racing mind on me - that's your brain's problem.
Brain: Hey, don't bring me into this - I'm busy as fuck trying to keep shit together up here.
Me: And you're doing a fine job - you both are - I just need some cooperation.
Brain: Well, you need to go to bed earlier and stop with the night time video games. And would a little more activity kill you?
Body: What kind of exertion are you getting, Brain? I don't see you mastering calculus or even acing Jeopardy.
Brain: Look, I'm busy controlling Allison's emotional health and making sure she doesn't get fired, or run over pedestrians.
Body: Let's just take a nap, we can all chill for a bit.
Brain: No nap - just get a Coke Zero and a Snickers with almonds from downstairs, power through.
Me: Jesus - no wonder I'm exhausted - you two need to take care of each other and I'll take care of you, so you can take care of me?
Brain: Does this mean no nap?
Body: And no candy?
Me: I don't know. Nothing right now. Just settle down for an hour and then I'll think about supper.
Body: Can we have ice cream?
Brain: Yeah, can we?
Me: Shut up. No. No ice cream.
Brain: So I read where more fat is better than more carbs. A doctor wrote that. Also, there are these ads all over the internet for one simple trick to get rid of belly fat.
Body: I like fat and carbs.
Me: Look, now... I'll feed you something tonight that will hopefully not upset you, and will help you sleep better, and all that. But right now, I need to stay focused. Can you help me?
Brain: Can we do a quiz on Sporcle? Have you checked Facebook recently?
Body: I can chill for awhile - but again, I think ice cream would be a great dinner idea.
Me: OK, one Sporcle quiz then back to work. And no ice cream. Steak.
Body and Brain: Sporcle and Steak! Yeeaaaaaaahhh!
Me: Jesus.
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