As seen in my kitchen...

My boss gave me an Amazon gift card for Christmas - I used it to buy a cover for my new Kindle, and a Veggetti.

What, pray tell, is a Veggetti, you ask?

Well, it's a gadget that turns vegetable into ribbons of "pasta".

It's pretty cool.  And OK, eating zucchini that looks like pasta isn't as good as eating pasta.  What is?  Right.  But, it's better for you, and frankly, it's tasty...  so, why not?

We're doing a Weight Loss Challenge at work, and I could, in theory, win some money - but more importantly, I could lose some weight.

So, if it means I turn pounds of carrots, squash and zucchini into dinners...

So be it.

And it's kind of fun?

Sigh.  It's come to this.

Look, I've spent the last 3 years eating whatever I wanted, as much as I could hold.  And now I'm trying to trick my body into eating less.  My body is all, "Wait, didn't we usually get some candy around 2PM?  This Jell-O isn't candy."    And I'm all, "Shut your whore mouth and be glad you're getting Jell-O, bitch.  Didn't you see that video I made you watch today?"

And my body is all, "Yeah, and that was great and all, but it kind of seems like the point of that video is that it was Mom's fault for feeding you fries when you were a baby."

And I'm all, "Well, first of all, she didn't feed me fries as a baby, but the bigger issue is that you weigh 244 pounds and you're 40 years old and I don't want you to die, and also, I'd like it if you looked better, and I think you'd be happier too."

And my body says, "Look, I totally get it - I want to be hot, and I want to not look gross at the conference in Florida in May, and I want cuter clothes and I want to not avoid being in pictures.  But I also really like cheez puffs."

And I say, "I totally understand, and I'm not trying to torture you, but look, we've been through hell the past few years, and if I take better care of you, it won't suck for long.  I mean, you like veggies, you enjoy fruit and meat.  And I will let you have the occasional sack of Krystals, even though it'll make you sick as a dog."

Fact:  This is never a good idea.  Ever.

To which, my body says, "Look, I want to make this as easy on you as I can.  And I'm going to always want stupid things like Krystal and raw cookie dough and Velveeta.  But I'll try your zucchini pasta and we'll eat less crap, and I'll do my best to forget all the crazy fun times we had all over the country.  We did some nasty, salty, greasy things together, old girl.  It'll be hard to forget those."

So I say, "I seriously appreciate your willingness.  We'll have fun in new ways.  We'll get in the ocean in Clearwater, Florida.  We'll take vain, vapid selfies and put them all over Facebook. I'll give you massages, mani-pedis...we'll have a great time.  I promise you, I'll give you enough fuel to get you through the day with plenty of good energy."

I mean, it's exhausting.  No wonder I'm so damn tired.



I want one of those gadgets. To make spaghetti out of pork loin and cheese. Girlfriend, I've found that the best way to lose weight is to get a disease. Something serious but not crippling. May I suggest shingles? You get to leave work early because you're tired. Use the extra time to discover new things to make spaghetti out of. Out of which to make spaghetti. Whatever. P.S. I want you to be happy and healthy, too, but I love you no matter what the scale says.