No. No thank you.

For nine years, I was devoted to the television show, How I Met Your Mother.

I've seen every episode but one (Lucky Penny, which I really need to hunt down).

I watched, even though my Zumba classes on Monday nights coincided with my devotion. I DVRed them and watched within the next day or so.

I know about the goat at Ted's birthday, the blue French horn, laser tag, Sandcastles in the Sand, and endless beers and rounds of Glen MacKenna.

I dreamed about this show, episodes that I wrote in my mind.  I've only done that with one other show, Degrassi High.  The original.  Please, the new generation blows.

Anyway - starting tomorrow, my Mondays are Motherless.

Last week the final episode aired.  Did I love it?  No.  No I did not.

Robin and Barney married, then divorced three years later. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Ted met the mother, Tracy, who was awesome, but then he waited seven years and two kids later to marry her.  WHY?????  That's so un-Tedlike.

And then, Barney impregnated a nameless woman and his baby, Ellie, became the love of his life.  That was OK.  That was about the only OK moment in the second half of the finale. 

Lily and Marshall kept chugging along, and that was great.

Robin withdrew and grew bitter.

And then, they did it.  They killed off the Mother.

Not shown:  Any of the actual despair of a deathbed scene. 

Apparently, Ted was telling her a story and she died of boredom.

I'm kidding.  We have no idea how she died.  I'm guessing cancer, but they should have balded her up and made her look more gaunt or something.  And put her on an IV or two.  Trust me, I've had a lot of recent experience in hospitals.  This isn't it.

Anyway, we find out that she's been gone for six years, and her kids are onto him.  They notice he's been infusing his story with a lot of Aunt Robin, and they love her, they know he loves her, and think he should go for it.  So he goes to her, blue French horn in tow, and they all live happily ever after.

I'm sure my own recent experiences colored my perception of the end of this show, which I gave nearly a decade of Mondays.  But reading what other folks have written, apparently a lot of us felt duped.

Look, I'm not saying the show doesn't  have a happy ending...of sorts.  But it sure as hell wasn't what I signed on for.  I thought all five main characters deserved a happy ending, but I thought they could look outside their own little pentagon to find it.

Did I love Barney/Robin?  I did.  I thought they did Robin dirty a number of times in the show - making her a bitch, a shrew, etc.  I thought they did the same to Lily.

I thought Marshall was across the board fabulous, and the same with Barney.  Was his character a bit of a one note?  Sure, but it was a funny note, so why not?  Plus, I kind of have a crush on Neil Patrick Harris, who is just too precious for words.

Teach me how to Doogie.

So, in my mind, the show ends with Ted and Tracy under the umbrella.  Fade to black.

And they all lived happily ever after - in syndication.

I mean, come on, assholes.  They're precious together.

The end.