There’s a lot of the old pregnancy bug going around at the office – two women are pregnant; a third just started her Maternity Leave. Several of the menfolk have wives who are expecting.
My advice? Don’t drink the water. And by water, I mean penis, and by drink, I mean insert unprotected into a vagina.
I decided some time ago not to have kids. Despite everyone’s insistence that I’d change my mind and get the urge to procreate, I never did, I never have. Ok, occasionally, I’ll get a mild feeling that maybe I should be out there momming it up, and then I remember how good I am at not having kids and it passes.
You might think that the recent rash of babies would have made me feel like I was missing out. Instead, it’s cemented my belief that not everyone has to populate the planet.
Want to know how I know? Well, for starters, just re-read my post from a few days back about the screaming babies at WalMart. Duh.
But for me, the real litmus test has been shopping for two showers in the past month. The first was for my friend who is having her first baby, a girl, in March. I stood in the middle of the baby section at Target, flustered and vaguely nauseous. I finally found a gift, and it was fine, but it was just exhausting.
Today, I attended a shower for a co-worker. We’re not especially close, but the entire department was invited, and I do love a good party. So… he’s having a boy – their second kid. I couldn’t deal with another Target run, so I took the easy way out and got a Babies r Us gift card. Inside a greeting card that read:
Which I think sums it up. It’s almost like Hallmark knows my soul sometimes.
(A side tangent; I once applied to be a card writer for Hallmark – my submissions were returned to me, but some years later, I saw a card from them that sounded remarkably like one I’d sent them. Hmmph!)
I don’t think the Mom or the Dad thought the card was as amusing as I did. Too bad. I’m sending out Valentines today, and I think they’ll get a much better reception.
Hopefully we’re well showered for now.
But one good thing came of it. We played a game – Guess the Baby – and I now have a photo to share.
|That's a Pinto in the background. Yep, safety.
Portrait of the Author as a Young Woman.
Or as Matt dubbed it “Barely Fetal”.
I was pretty damn cute.