Facebook Confidential

Confidential to friend from High School:  You constantly bitch about your crazy mother.  You created a fake Facebook profile so that you could avoid being tracked by your crazy mother.  You are turning into your crazy mother.  It's clear as day, and I believe you're the one person who doesn't see it. Have fun!

Confidential to friend from Middle School and High School:  You have made several references to your crazy mother.  See confidential number one.  Also, congrats on your engagement.  Don't know when you got religion, but man, did you get it.  Also, I always thought your Mom was delightful.

Confidential to a guy friend:  Slow down, friend... love is a marathon, not a sprint.

Confidential to several people:  I'm not going to play Farmville, or Gem Grubbin' or Bubble Twat or any dumb game on FB.  Thanks.

Confidential to guy from high school:  You should have accepted when I asked you out.  I don't think it would have changed your destiny, but we'd have had fun, and I wouldn't have felt so awkward.  On the other hand, getting rejected for deer hunting has given me two decades of comedy gold.  So, thanks.  Looks like you have a nice wife, you've done well.  Go forth.

Confidential to two extremely pretty girls from Middle/High School:  I cannot figure out why you're both still single - especially the one in Texas.  Maybe guys are intimidated... or maybe you're being unrealistic.  Either way... you're both gorgeous and I hate you for it.

Confidential to college friend 1:  You bitch constantly about your kids.  You are always looking for people to meet up with you so that your horrible kids can play with their kids.  Do your kids know how much you seem to hate them?

Confidential to college friend 2:  Your kids are delightful, you're doing an amazing job, and I'd spend a day with the three of you in a heartbeat. I hope your ex-husband wakes up every morning regretting the choices he's made.

Confidential to the guy who is FB stalking college friend 2:  Dude, we all know you're crushing hard on this girl.  And I get it - she and her kids are amazing.  But I think she's perfectly content being a single mom, so... you know... ease off.  You're cute, based on that thumbnail pic that hasn't changed in three years - I'm sure someone would appreciate what you have to offer.

Confidential to another college friend:  Your updates on your kids are amusing, but seriously, you may want to medicate the youngest one.  Or medicate yourself.   Armchair psychologist, thinking here.

Confidential to another high school friend: I find it hard to believe that with your nice degree from an expensive school, you have chosen to sell hot wings and take pole dancing classes.  But hey, you look ridiculously happy, so who am I to judge?

Confidential to several people:  Your comments on my posts are sometimes inappropriate.  I both celebrate and cringe.

Confidential to a Nashville acquaintance:  He seems really nice. I hope you get engaged. If that's what you want, and I think it probably is.  I'm glad I've gotten to know you.

Confidential to everyone:  I appreciate all the kid photos, but I'd love to see more photos of your dogs.  Possibly in funny hats.

Confidential to me:  Jeez, you're insightful and hilarious - it's a good thing your use of FB is flawless!