Annual Press Release - Tennessee State Fair 2012

September 6, 2012
Nashville Tennessee

Following is a prepared statement from Allison Breyer Everett:

Ladies and gentlemen.  I wanted to thank you all for your support over the past six years, in re: my annual entry of Pepper Jelly into the Tennessee State Fair.

This year, I made three batches of jelly prior to the Fair.  The first didn't set as hard as I would have liked.  I felt that the second batch was too spicy for judging, and the final batch was, by my estimation, perfect.

I was therefore, dismayed to learn this afternoon that of the nine entries in the category, mine did not place in the top three.

Relegated to the bottom shelf

Once again, my nemeses, N and O Chambers of Cumberland Furnace, Tennessee prevailed in First and Second place, and a newcomer, P Stowers of Hermitage, Tennessee took the white ribbon.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed.  In fact, I'd be understating it.  I am devastated.  At this point, I just want to go to bed and stay there for about eight hours.

At which point, I'll be ready to get up, go to the Y and get on with my life.

I mean, fuck it.  It's jelly.  It's not a measure of my worth as a human being - it's some peppers and some sugar and a few hours of labor. 

So, the entire Chambers clan - and in fact all of Cumberland Furnace, Tennessee - can kiss my fat ass.

That goes double for the Ag Extension judges who deemed my jelly unworthy.  It's the best jelly I've ever made, and you can all go suck it.

As for next year, I don't fucking know.  I may try to get the jelly monkey off my back, I may start making plum jelly, I might even raise chickens.  But for now, I'm going to bed.

Thanks, and good night.