The benefits of clever colleagues

This is an actual Google Chat that transpired between me and one of my colleagues at work today.  He's one of those 'good kids' that is going to be just fine in the long term.

I've changed names to protect the innocent and the guilty.  I'm Allison, of course - my colleague is Wendell - everyone else are people we work with:

Allison: Any thoughts on how I can tune out my new guy like you've learned to tune out Earl?

Wendell: I've noticed he's quite the chatter
does he follow the Earl model of telling a lot of stories?

Allison: Oh yes. And I can only Pandora so much.
He apparently lives alone and just needs someone to talk to.
I may need to buy him a parrot.

Wendell: that'd be perfect

Allison: Or, what were those things... a Furby.

Wendell: one that just says "what?! no way!" to everything he says

Allison: Perfect.
You may be too young to remember Furbys.

Wendell: that, or invest in a bottle of chloroform
oh, I remember Furbys

Allison: OK, I like where you're going,
and I approve.
I am getting on craigslist tonight.
And after meeting up with a casual encounter, I'll make a missed connection with a chloroform dealer.

Wendell: sounds like an air tight plan

Allison: Thanks, I'm excited.

Wendell: you can just douse some paper work with it and be like "here you go, work on this"
shoving it particularly close to his face

Allison: I like it.
I like it a lot.

Wendell: then when everyone asks why he fainted, you can say "he must just be intimidated by the workload."

Allison: Ok, why haven't we promoted you yet?

Wendell: right?

Allison: I'm getting you a meeting with Crusher,
and we're going to work through this.

Wendell: I'd be the perfect office prankster/security for annoying team members

Allison: I'm thinking more of a think tank guy, but yeah - that also works.
I'll get right on that.

Wendell: perfect. just draw up the contract and I'll sign on the dotted line
just use a non-chloroformed contract, if you will

Allison: Ok - I'll get sales to work that - they write perfect contracts every day.
No chemicals...

Wendell: sounds like a deal. all I ask for is a cool million dollar raise and a lamborgihini (sp)

Allison: It's going to be $0, but that's a small detail.
We can work through that.

Wendell: 0 sounds like a good middle man

Allison: I can give you an extra course or two.
You need hand wrist and finger safety, right? You're a young man - you guys need that training...
save 'em when you're young -they don't grow back.

Wendell: haha. touche
I'm going to depart for the day

Allison: Have fun.

Wendell: you do the same. hope your "casual" rendezvous goes as planned

Allison: Well, I always wear evening gowns -throws 'em off.
The element of surprise is key.

Wendell: of course