I would be a terrible advice columnist.
Not that it’s ever going to come up – but here are three
sample questions and how I’d answer them:
From Slate.com's Dear Prudence
Dear Prudence: I dread the approaching
holiday meals with my family, as they always include disparaging remarks about
my choice to be vegan. They range from snarky ("I'd love to see the animal
you're doing this for") to just silly ("If God wanted you to eat soy,
then why did he make cows?"). I am 29 years old and don't need my parents
telling me what to eat. Adding to my frustration is the fact that my parents
are so unhealthy. Both are obese, never exercise, and don't eat any vegetables.
My mother has diabetes. They have made no effort to change their eating habits
or lose weight, despite warnings from their doctors. I am healthy. When met
with criticism from my family, I have tried explaining my reasons for being
vegan, but they just roll their eyes or laugh. I've cooked delicious food for
them, but they turn up their noses at it. Prudie, I need a simple, blunt remark
that will put an end to this. What do you suggest?
Dear Black Sheep:
Parents can be a pain in the ass, and yes – they’re obese,
but that’s not your business to judge any more that than they should judge your
desire to deprave yourself of everything that tastes good. Vegans are notoriously annoying to deal
with. I mean – it’s a pain in the ass to
have to deal with anyone who has special food needs. At least you’re not doing gluten free- so you can eat some dinner rolls with your
tofurkey and just be glad your parents haven’t disowned you for not shaving
your armpits. Also, I’m told vegans have
terrible breath – so you know – load up on Listerine before the holidays. As for a pithy response? Try, some variation of “… and the
cruelty-free horse you rode in on”.
From the Nationally Syndicated Dear Abby
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem that happens once a year -- my birthday
at work. There's a huge potluck with cake, banners, gifts and a card that has
been circulating around the office for a week. I cringe at the attention.
Everyone means well, but these celebrations are pure torture for me. I'm a
7-year-old all over again, trying my best to keep the anxiety and waterworks in
check.
It goes back to my childhood. Growing up,
we were very poor, and my parents made it clear that sacrifices had been made
for my "big day," which always ended up with me guilt-ridden and in
tears.
As an adult, I celebrate my birthday with
my husband and son. We keep it low-key and I'm surrounded by the unconditional
love I craved as a child.
I have tried bowing out and asked that
gifts be made to charity instead, but I am told, "Oh, come on! We all
have to go through this." I went so far as to confide to the party
planners why I'm so uncomfortable. To my horror, a few of them began
complaining about how hard they worked pulling everything together or how late
they stayed up baking the cake, etc. It was like hearing my parents all over
again.
Am I being too sensitive? I'd appreciate
your opinion. -- SPARE ME IN MICHIGAN
Dear Michigander:
You do realize that the party has very little to do with you, right? Your colleagues want to have a party, and
conveniently, you happen to have a birthday.
Suck it up, get some therapy to get over your issues and eat cake like a
big girl. Jeez. Freak.
And finally, from Sex Questions Q&A with Dr. Hilda (Redbook Magazine)
Dear Hilda:
My partner loves to masturbate with women's magazines — and I love to watch. Is
this okay?
Dear
Pornlover’s Partner: Well, I’d question
what exactly you mean by women’s magazines.
If you’re telling me he’s spanking it to Menopause Monthly or (god
forbid) Martha Stewart Living, I’d say you have a problem – and by that I’m not
just talking about the pages sticking together.
Look, if you’re both enjoying it, it’s not wrong. Period.
Did you really have to ask this?
If so, your bigger question is how can you avoid having kids as mentally
backwards as yourself. And the answer to
that is, you can’t. Get some good birth
control. There’s nothing wrong with a
good sterilization procedure. You’re
welcome.
And that's why I shouldn't be allowed to advise people on a widespread basis.
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