It’s hard to say just when my self-esteem crashed and burned – but I’d say around 4th grade.
The thing is, I’ve never had that feeling of “I’m not smart enough”. Well, I mean – from time to time, but intellectually, I’ve never felt vastly inferior.
Now, I’ve felt "not pretty enough" a million times in my life.
It’s kind of sick, actually.
I catch myself daily looking around to make sure I 'm not the fattest/ugliest/plainest looking person in the room. Even when it doesn't matter. Especially when it doesn't matter.
And I tell you this all because of the photo I’m about to post:
|There are so many inappropriate caption options.|
Here is a picture of me and two people I’m crazy about. On my left, James. On my right, Jim. This is us after seeing Wicked at the Tennessee Performing Arts Center.
And I dumped it onto the computer last night and was getting ready to throw it on Facebook when a thought popped clearly into my head:
“I think I’m attractive enough to be seen with these two.”
No thoughts about how lucky I am to have nice friends, or what a nice evening we had, or that I like James’ pocket square, or that Jim was thoughtful to organize this outing, or any of that.
Just that I was worthy of spending time with them because of my physical appearance.
Now, to be honest, these guys probably wouldn’t give a damn if I showed up in a flower sack with coffee cans for shoes. They apparently spend time with me because… I don’t know – I’m funny, or kind, or generous or maybe I amuse them? I don’t know.
But it’s not about my makeup or hair.
That said, it was a great evening. We had dinner, we saw a show. We laughed, we got a stranger to take a picture and then we came home.
I’ve got to get over whatever it is that makes me feel unworthy.
Also, I’ve been having this really strange urge to get a tattoo.
Which… that’s a bad idea, right?
Something small – no bigger than a nickel.
Still. Bad idea, I know, right?