Ow, dammit.

I am feeling incredibly sorry for myself today. I took my last hydrocodone at 3AM after waking up in searing pain. Since then, it has been Tylenol only, and since I'm back on the job tomorrow, that's how it has to be.

Matt took me to Jason's Deli today where I mashed up a baked potato and ate enough to make me want the whole thing. But it hurt so damn much I boxed it and we went on our way.

I hurt. I miss my Mom and Dad, I can't stop crying, and I can't see any way out of this situation.
I tried Tylenol Liquid to see if that went down easier, but it's so sugary, I can feel the grains of sugar on my teeth. Not to mention, it burns going down.

So, I can manage the pills, but my tongue feels like it has road burn, my throat keeps drying out, and swallowing is just a fucking joyride. I can sleep a little, but I wake up with these dry spots on my throat and feeling more disoriented than when I fell asleep - and I have weird dreams.

And my ears ache, which is "normal". Since I can't taste anything, I have this sneaking suspicion that my breath is terrible, and that makes me paranoid. Brushing takes the mossy feeling from my teeth briefly, but it returns almost immediately.

I'm terribly depressed, I wish I could take another few days to pull it together. Especially since now, I no longer have an office, and I need to drop a few tears, I'll have to do it in the semi-privacy of the ladies' room.

I'm hungry, but eating is just exhausting. I've lost ten pounds but so what? I'd gladly have it all back to be able to open up the cabinet and eat the first thing my hand touches.

I can't honestly say, "Oh, but it's all been worth it. My tonsils are gone and that's the real blessing." All I can say is, "This better have fucking been worth it. Because so far, the only real thing that has come of this is pain.

And I can't see any end.


Erika said…
I'm sorry it's been so hard! Sounds awful. I'm sending good, healing thoughts your way.