Confidential To...

Crossing Guard at St. Edwards School,

I get that you really love wearing your uniform and directing cars in and out of the school. I know that every tweet of your whistle and every gesture you make with your handheld stop sign makes you feel like the grandest tiger in the jungle.

But here's a reality check. You are a crossing guard who has never helped a single person cross the street. None of your students walk to school.

All you do is back up traffic, which then allows you to feel important as you then manage that back up that wouldn't have happened if not for you.
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Women Everywhere,

If the smell you leave behind in a public restroom is enough to make me gag repeatedly, you might want to consider seeing a healthcare specialist... or, just stop eating rotten roadkill.
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Retailers,

Yes, there's a recession on, but most people don't seem to have gotten the message. Please, in the name of all that is holy, open more than one register. There's nothing more irritating than standing in line with five people ahead of me, a dozen behind me, and watching one of your employees non-chalantly straightening displays while the one cashier is busting her ass to get people out the door.

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Dollar Tree,

Have I told you lately that I love you? I had a great time yesterday, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I can't wait to see you again.

XOXOXOXO

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Teenagers,

If I am sitting right next to you in a car, I can read what you're texting to your girlfriend who is sitting in the front seat. Do I want to know what you did last night at her house that you both enjoyed so very much? No. I'll assume you played Scrabble. If that's an incorrect assumption, then my advice to you is this - Walgreen's is always nearby. Follow that old scouting motto - "be prepared".

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President-Elect and Mrs. Obama,

I have a huge crush on you. Your interview Sunday on 60 Minutes was adorable! You're great parents, great role models and we're lucky to have you moving to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Also, nice work on the Mother-In-Law and dog questions. And Mrs. Obama, you're just so beautiful, and I think you're going to be an awesome Mom-In-Chief.

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Myself,

Stay your same awesome, cheerful self. You're doing a good job of maintaining a balance, but seriously, would it kill you to get up and hour earlier and take the dog for a long walk? If you went to bed earlier, you wouldn't miss the sleep.

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I'm starting to sound like Mary Worth. I'd better stop.

Comments

Beaner3 said…
I love the note to self and I agree about the bathroom 'crap'. I can't understand it - it's been especially bad on the 2nd floor lately - no flushing - DNA on the seat - bleck! Nice no?